很多人认为魔法已经从这个世界上 It has been said that magic vanished from our world
消失很久了 a long time ago,
人类再也不能通过许愿 and that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires
来实现自己的愿望 through the power of wishes.
对于那些童心已泯的人们 To those who have lost the wondrous vision of childhood eyes,
我要讲一个男孩的故事 submitted here is the story of a little boy
故事里那魔力无穷的圣诞愿望 and a magical Christmas wish
改变了他的一生 that changed his life forever.
故事从1985年波士顿附近的小城讲起 It began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston.
时值圣诞前夜 孩子们欢欣雀跃 It was Christmas Eve, and all the children were in high spirits.
在这美好的时刻 That special time of year
波士顿的孩子们呼朋唤友 when Boston children gather together
齐心协力欺负犹太小孩 and beat up the Jewish kids.
格林鲍姆 Hey, Greenbaum!
明天是耶稣的生日 It's Jesus'birthday tomorrow,
知道我要送他什么吗 and you know what I'm gonna get him?
什么 What?
捶过你锉脸的这只拳头 My fist in your fucking face!
耶稣怎么喜欢这个 Why would jesus want that?
抓住他 Get him!
但是有一个孩子却郁郁寡欢 But there was one child who wasn't in such good spirits.
他就是小约翰·班尼特 Little John Bennett,
那种每个小区都有的 that one boy in every neighborhood
不合群的孩子 who just has a tough time making friends.
能带我一个吗 Guys, can I play?
一边儿去 班尼特 Get out of here, Bennett.
走开 班尼特 Get lost, Bennett!
快滚开 班尼特 Get out of here, Bennett!
是啊 班尼特 快走开 Yeah, Bennett, get lost.
约翰非常渴望 John longed with all his heart
能有属于自己的好朋友 for that one, true friend that he could call his own.
一旦找到 And he knew that if he ever found that friend,
就会和他一生相伴 he would never let him go.
又是一年圣诞的清晨 Well, as it does every year, Christmas morning finally came.
孩子们满心欢喜地拆开他们的礼物 All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee.
对于小约翰·班尼特来说 And for little John Bennett,
这个圣诞掀开了他人生崭新的一页 Christmas Day brought a very special new arrival.
看来圣诞老人知道你这一年很乖 I guess Santa paid attention to how good you were this year?
圣诞快乐 约翰 Merry Christmas, John.
我爱你 I love you!
他还会说话呢 He talks!
我要叫你泰迪 I'm going to name you Teddy.
约翰很快就和泰迪形影不离 John became instantly attached to Teddy.
这只玩具熊的到来 There was something about that bear
仿佛让他终于拥有了一位 that made him feel as if he finally had a friend
无话不谈的朋友 with whom he could share his deepest secrets.
我爱你 I love you!
我也爱你 泰迪 I love you, too, Teddy.
好希望你能真的开口说话 You know, I wish you could really talk to me.
那样我们就能永远做朋友了 Because then, we could be best friends forever and ever.
我可以肯定地告诉你 Now, if there's one thing you can be sure of,
孩子的愿望是这世上最强大的东西 it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish.
不过当然比不上阿帕奇直升机强大 Except an Apache helicopter.
阿帕奇直升机携带机枪和导弹 An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles.
火力之强令人难以置信 It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry,
简直是一部杀人机器 an absolute death machine.
就像故事将要讲到的一样 Well, as it turned out,
约翰许愿的时机恰到好处 John picked the perfect night to make a wish.
泰迪 Teddy?
抱抱 Hug me.
你是我最好的朋友 约翰 You're my best friend, John.
你刚才说话了吗 Did you... Did you just talk?
别这么惊讶 Don't look so surprised.
这可是你许的愿 不是吗 You're the one who wished for it, aren't you?
没错 是我许的愿 Yeah. I did wish for it.
那就如你所愿啦 Well, here I am.
你是说 我们能做真正的好朋友了吗 You mean, we get to be best friends for real?
当然 For real.
做一辈子的朋友吗 Forever and ever?
好啊 Sounds good to me.
约翰仿佛是世界上最幸福的孩子 John was just about the happiest boy in the world
他迫不及待地要把好消息告诉每一个人 and he couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news.
今年的圣诞棒极了 Well, I think we've had a wonderful Christmas this year.
最棒之一 One of the best.
你昨晚的礼物就特别棒 And l particularly enjoyed the gift you gave me last night.
我们家猛男一年忙到头 Well, my big strong husband works so hard all year,
这点圣诞节的小款待是你应得的 I figured you deserved a little Christmas treat.
可不止是小款待 l'd call it more than a little treat.
那牙套让我动得更爽 I think those veneers just make it a smoother ride for me.
人家疼爱你嘛 Mmm. Wel, that's how much I love you.
总之 你的口活儿非同凡响 Seriously though, that was an outstanding blowjob.
妈妈 爸爸 你们猜怎么着 Mom, Dad, guess what?
我的泰迪熊活过来了 My teddy bear's alive!
真的吗 那可真是太好了 Really? Well, isn't that exciting?
没开玩笑 妈妈 快看 他真的活了 No, Mom, he's really alive. Look.
大家圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas, everybody.
卧了个大槽 Jesus H. Fuck!
让我们做好朋友吧 Let's all be best friends.
我的妈呀 Oh my God!
约翰 离它远点 快点过来 John, get away from that thing. Get over here right now.
可是 爸 But, Dad...
快过来 Get over here!
听你爸的 过来 Listen to your father! Come here!
-海伦 把我的枪拿来 -爸爸 别 - Helen, get my gun. - Dad, no!
是抱抱枪吗 Is it a hugging gun?
海伦 拿枪来 然后报警 Helen, get my gun, and call the police!
抱歉 班尼特先生 I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett.
我不是故意吓你们的 I didn't mean to scare anybody.
我只想和约翰做朋友 I just wanted John and I to be friends.
没错 爸爸 Yeah, Dad,
昨晚我许愿希望泰迪活过来 I made a wish last night that Teddy was alive
结果梦想成真了 and my wish came true.
天啊 Oh my God!
真是个奇迹 It's a miracle.
圣诞的奇迹 It's a Christmas miracle.
你就像小耶稣一样 You're just like the Baby Jesus.
约翰神奇的事迹 Well, it wasn't long before the story of John's little miracle
迅速传遍了全国各地 was sweeping the nation.
无疑 波士顿的郊外 Out of a Boston suburb
诞生了一个举世震惊的故事 comes what is, without a doubt, the most incredible story.
一个男孩的毛绒玩具熊 A young boy's stuffed animal
奇迹般拥有了生命 has magically come to life for, as yet, unknown reasons.
瞧上帝干的好事 Look what Jesus did!
瞧好上帝干的事 Look what Jesus did!
瞧上帝好干的事 Look what Jesus did!
首先是世界新闻 まずは世界のニュースからです。
在美国 一只毛绒兔子像人一样 アメリカからです, 人間のようにおーきなうさぎのぬいぐるみ...
兔子 うさぎ?
在说什么呢你 何言ってんのお前!
这是熊啊 你这个笨蛋 熊だよ! バカ!
泰迪很快名噪一时 Before long, Teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right.
你好 泰迪 Hello, Teddy.
你真是太不可思议了 You... You are a... You surprise me.
我还以为你会更高一些 For some reason I thought you were going to be taller.
我还以为你会更逗一些 I thought you were going to be funnier.
你最爱看哪个节目 What are your favorite television shows?
中场休息吧 Um, I like Gimme a Break...
爸爸 我想要泰迪熊 Dad. I want a teddy bear.
嘿 爸爸刚给你的生日礼物呢 Hey! What did Daddy just get you for your birthday, huh?
-一个耙子 -不错 - A rake. - That's right.
一个超凡耙 你的生日耙 An excellent rake. A birthday rake.
这样你打扫院子时候就不必用手捡树叶了 So when you clean the yard, you don't have to pick up the leaves with your hands.
但我想要电视上那只熊 But, Dad. l want the bear on TV.
唐尼 闭上你的嘴 爸爸正和你的新妈妈爱爱呢 Donny. Shut up, will ya? Daddy's making love to New Mommy.
-但是爸爸 -回吊床上去 - But, Daddy? - Go to your hammock!
你看过我们节目吗 Do you ever watch this show?
当然 莱诺当嘉宾主持时 Yeah. When Leno guest hosts.
尽管名满天下 But through all the fame,
泰迪却从未忘记最好的朋友 约翰 Teddy never forgot his very best friend, John.
雷劈不到咱们的 是吧 The thunder can't get us, right?
当然 咱们是雷霆兄弟 Nope, we're thunder buddies,
雷也知道的 and the thunder knows it.
我们百分之百安全 We're totally safe.
泰迪 Teddy?
怎么了 约翰 Yeah, John?
你保证我们永远在一起吗 Do you promise we'll always be together?
我保证 I promise.
雷霆兄弟相伴一生 Thunder buddies for life.
雷霆兄弟一生相伴 Thunder buddies for life.
他们谁都没有忘记这个承诺 And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot.
那么约翰和泰迪现在在哪呢 So, where are John and Teddy today?
这么说吧 Well, let me put it this way.
不管你曾多么声名显赫 No matter how big a splash you make in this world,
无论你是科里·费尔德 曼弗兰奇·莫尼兹 贾斯汀·比伯 whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber,
（三者均是著名童星）
还是一只会说话的泰迪熊 or a talking teddy bear,
到最后也不过是门前冷落鞍马稀 eventually, nobody gives a shit.
我的文字略懒散 我的思想微朦胧 My words are lazy, my thoughts are hazy
而于一事我确信 But this is one thing I'm sure of.
友谊长存每人心 Everybody needs a best friend!
与你结识沁心脾 I'm happy I'm yours!
形影不分永不离 You got a double,
天翻地覆惹是非 Who brings you trouble,
分别似善长久策 And though you're better without me.
友谊长存每人心 Everybody needs a best friend!
与你结识沁心脾 I'm happy I'm yours!
傻瓜都能辨分明 A fool could see decidedly,
你我判若云和泥 That you're a ten and I'm a three.
贵人若助攀高峰 A royal breed is what you need,
但你为何对我这小无赖不离不弃 So how did you come to be stuck with a bummer like me?
过气明星因携带蘑菇机场被捕
狐朋狗友绕心头 You got a head full of someone dreadful.
全意为你无二心 But how that someone adores you.
友谊长存每人心 Everybody needs a best friend,
与你结识沁心脾 I'm happy I'm yours!
傻瓜都能辨分明 A fool could see decidedly.
你和我判若云泥 That you're a ten and I'm a three.
贵人若助攀高峰 A royal breed is what you need.
但你为何对我这小无赖不离不弃 So how did you come to be stuck with a bummer like me?
狐朋狗友绕心头 You got a head full of someone dreadful.
全意为你无二心 But how that someone adores you.
友谊长存每人心 Everybody needs a best friend,
与你结识沁心脾 I'm happy I'm yours!
我是小丑跳梁头 I'm just a clown,
横冲直撞害你糗 and I'll bring you down
但你一笑却了之 But you don't care'cause Your
我们结识已许久 best friend is me!
我敢看一眼表吗 Do I dare look at the clock?
告诉你 大多数波士顿的女人 Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are, on the whole,
比其他地方的女人更丑 气色更差 a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewhere of life.
胡扯 劳里就很性感 That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot.
不对 劳里是宾州人 不是波士顿的 No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl.
波士顿女人没那么糟 They're not that bad.
你看 你强调她们没那么糟 See, the fact that you have to say they're not that bad
反而证明了她们确实很糟 means that they are that bad.
你听过波士顿女孩高潮的叫床声吗 Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?
对 就这样 用力 再用力 Oh, yeah, oh, yeah! Harder! Harder!
天啊 爽死啦 God, that was so good!
好了 老娘干饿了 吃点饼干填肚子 Now I'm going to stuff my fucking face with Pepperidge Farm!
我靠 这烟真没劲儿 Jesus, this is weak.
一点都不爽 It's not even getting me high.
我得跟供货商反映一下 I got to have a talk with my we ed guy.
我觉得还行 It's working for me.
我觉得弱爆了 我得跟他好好谈谈 I think it sucks. I'm going to have a talk with him.
没想到你居然 I don't know that you
还打算去投诉毒贩 want to go to a drug dealer with complaints.
我们是老相识了 911那会就认识了 No. I know this guy a long time. I've known him since 9/11.
记得吗 You remember?
我说 我擦 911来了 我得磕点药 I was, like, " Shit, 9/11. I got to get high."
-9点半了吗 -没错 - Is it 9:30? - Yeah.
靠 我得上班了 Shit, I got to get to work!
我都不知道还能不能开得动车 I don't know if I can drive!
没事 我来开 我感觉挺好 It's okay, I'll drive you. I feel fine.
-靠 -该死 - Fuck! - Shit.
强尼 对不起 Johnny, I'm sorry, man.
那辆车不知道从哪出来的 That car just came out of nowhere.
天啊 严重吗 God, is it bad?
约翰 过来一下好吗 John! May I speak with you, please?
麻烦了 Shit.
没事 去吧去吧 这边我来处理 It's all right, go, go, go. I'll pull out of here.
托马斯 你好啊 Hi, Thomas, how are you?
傻逼 Asshole!
我的错 我发推特呢 That's my bad. I was seding a tweet.
约翰 都快10点了 John, it's almost 10:00.
知道 老板 对不起 不是我的错 I know, sir, I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault.
什么意思 What do you mean?
我不知道认完错还要回答问题 guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow-up question.
约翰 你只要别胡来就行 John, all you got to do is not fuck up.
下个月我回总公司 这位置就是你的了 and you get my job when I go to corporate next month.
你将是新的分公司经理 ou're the new branch manager.
可千万别把事情搞砸了 All you've got to do is not fuck up.
我懂 I realize that.
很好 我很欣慰 Good. Glad to hear it.
一个月后 你将过上我现在的日子 Because in a month, my life could be your life.
分公司经理 三万八的年薪轻松拿 A cushy, $38,000-a-year branch manager
还能和汤姆·斯克里特做朋友 who's personal friends with Tom Skerritt.
都能奔小康了 不是吗 Not a bad life, is it?
是的 No.
给你看点我不轻易示人的东西 I'm going to show you something that I don't like to show people
因为我不想让别人因此高看我 because I don't want them treating me differently.
我和斯克里特的合影 That's me and Skerritt.
哇哦 Wow...
要的就是这个反应 哇哦 Goddamn right. Wow.
你刮了车又迟到 I'm gonna dock you for dinging the car
我要扣你工资 明白了吗 and for showing up late today, all right?
明天多带点责任感过来 Try and be a little more responsible tomorrow.
我会的 老板 我保证 I will, sir, I promise.
我不会让你失望的 蠢货 I'm not going to let you down, Goose.
什么 What?
《壮志凌云》的台词 Top Gun.
所以呢 So?
汤姆·斯克里特演的 Tom Skerritt.
我知道 I know that.
他在我这不算大明星 他不过是个普通人 I don't think of him as an actor anymore. He's just, like, a guy.
比如 两月前他还在我的车库里干活 Like, we work... We worked on my garage two months ago.
帮我装车库大门 Helped me hang a garage door.
你和汤姆·斯克里特一起装过车库门吗 You ever hang a garage door with Tom Skerritt?
-没 -没吧 - No. - No.
你和汤姆·斯克里特的老婆孩子一起玩过迷你高尔夫吗 You ever go miniature golfing with Tom Skerritt's wife and her kid?
不 你没有 No. You haven't.
你和汤姆·斯克里特一起看过公牛队的主场比赛吗 Do you ever watch a Bulls game, Chicago Bulls game in Chicago with Tom Skerritt?
-没 -没吧 -No. -No.
你没有 懂了吧 You haven't. All right.
车行 晋升 斯克里特 约翰 Liberty, fast track, Skerritt, John.
谢谢你 老板 Thank you, sir.
这是你们的钥匙和租车协议 All right, here's your keys, your rental agreement,
还有波士顿的免费地图 complimentary map of Boston.
感谢选择自由人租车行 一路平安 Thank you for choosing Liberty. Drive safely.
-谢谢 -非常感谢 - Thanks. - Thanks so much.
听说你被训了一通 I heard you got busted.
天啊 盖 你面有屎色 怎么了 Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, man. What happened?
我也不知道 昨晚我喝得烂醉如泥 I don't know, I got fucking wasted last night.
电话上显示我3点15发了条短信 My phone says I texted someone at 3:15,
叫人把我揍了一顿 asking them to beat me up.
4点30我又给同一个人发了条 谢谢 And then, at 4:30, I texted the same person saying, "Thanks."
你没印象了吗 And you don't remember it?
没有了 和上次一样 No, same as last time.
这做法听上去有点儿基啊 It just seems kind of gay, doesn't it?
不知道 也许吧 I don't know. May be, yeah.
你不会被反同性恋的黑帮给揍了吧 Well, do you think you're part of some gay beat-up underworld?
比如那种专打同性恋的俱乐部之类的 Like one of those gay beat-up clubs or something?
我也不清楚 可我喜欢姑娘啊 I don't know. I dig chicks, man.
我什么都不记得了 脑袋一团糟 I don't remember any of it. I was so fucked up.
也许我是同志吧 I might be gay, I don't know.
帮我盯一下这里好吗 Do you mind covering for me for a bit?
我去个厕所 I might go lay down in the john.
兄弟们好 Buddies. Where is it hanging?
埃利克斯 昨晚去夜店玩了吗 Alix, what's up? You get in the club last night?
没进去 门口的保安是个混球 I didn't get in because the bouncer was douche-face.
不过排队的时候交了几个朋友 But I made friends in the line.
听上去不错 That's good, I guess.
谁能给我推荐一家好的餐厅 Guys, anybody know a nice restaurant,
那种在洗手间 like something where they give out
免费发放泡泡糖的餐厅 free bubblegum in the bathrooms?
你要干什么 For what?
明天是我和劳里的四周年纪念日 Lori and I have been dating four years tomorrow.
我想带她去个好地方 I want to take her someplace really nice.
恭喜 约翰 Congratulations, John.
你们都交往四年了吗 You guys have been going out for four years?
我最长的一段只有6个月 My longest relationship was like six months
然后我的女友在梦中放了个屁 and then she farted in her sleep.
我就想 拉倒吧 I'm like, "I'm out of here, man."
然后就在她醒来前逃之天天 I was gone before she woke up.
看来你不怎么宽容 You're not very tolerant?
劳里在你面前放过屁吗 Lori ever fart in front of you?
当然了 Yeah.
-真的吗 -很多次呢 - Really? - Yeah, many times.
-你是意大利人吗 -不是 - You Italian? - No.
怎么这么问 Why?
没事 带她去红花吃日本料理吧 Never mind. Take her to Benihana.
约翰 你们都交往四年了 John, look, don't you think after four years
也许她想要的不仅仅是一顿饭而已 may be she's hoping for something more than dinner?
那是什么 Like what?
如果是我 我或许希望你能求婚 I don't know, but if it were me, I'd be expecting a proposal.
得了吧 没人想要对方求婚 Come on, nobody's expecting anybody to propose.
婚姻并不是 I mean, marriage isn't...
我是说 I mean...
爱还不够吗 我觉得爱情就足够了 Isn't love enough? I submit that love is enough.
你可以把戒指放在她屁眼里 You can put the ring in her ass,
让她放屁崩出来 let her fart it out.
这片逊爆了 不过真经典 So bad, but so good.
是啊 就像你这句废话一样 Yeah. lt's a study in contrasts.
哦 这段我喜欢 Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, who a, l love this part right here.
他属于我们大家 He's for every one of us!
他代表我们大家 Stands for every one of us!
他用强有力的双手拯救大家 e'll save with a mighty hand
男女老幼 他用强光保卫大家 Every man, every woman, every child With a mighty flash!
屌爆了 飞侠 老天啊 Fuck, yeah. Flash! Oh, my God.
对了 记着提醒我 By the way, don't let me forget,
我们要为明晚去看棕熊队比赛 you and I got to nail down a plan
做好安排 for the Bruins game tomorrow night.
我不去了 我得和劳里吃饭 No, I can't. I'm taking Lori to dinner.
为什么 For what?
明天就是我们交往四周年纪念了 Well, we've been dating four years tomorrow.
我擦 有你的 Fuck me. Nice.
问你点正事 Let me ask you something.
她不会在期待 You don't think she's going to be
我更进一步的行动吧 expecting something big, do you?
什么行动 肛交吗 What, like anal?
不 我在说那个套在手指上的小金环 No, like a fucking circular gold thing on her finger.
拉倒吧 才四年 强尼 Fuck that! It's been four years, Johnny.
咱俩在一起都27年了 You and me have been together for 27 years.
我的戒指呢 我的戒指在哪呢 混蛋 Where's my ring? Where's my ring, asshole?
-我的戒指呢 混账东西 -快住手 - Where's my ring, motherfucker? - Stop it. Come on!
给我戴到毛毛手指上 混蛋 快点 Put it on my fuzzy finger, you fuck! Come on!
好了 别闹了 All right, knock it off!
好吧 我就是随便说说 All right, I'm just saying.
难道你不认为 But do you think she might
她也许正期待着我的求婚吗 be expecting me to make that kind of a move?
不 我不认为 No, I don't think she is.
而且现在时机也不合适 And, not only that, it's the wrong time.
这主意真差劲 你看看手上还有几张票 It's a terrible idea. I mean, you got the economy.
还欠银行一屁股债 随时可能上法院 You got the credit bubble, the Supreme Court.
海地破产政府就是你的前车之鉴 I mean, look at Haiti.
我确实没考虑到这一点 I guess I didn't think about that.
你要考虑这个因素 Well, that's... It's a factor.
你是谁 Who are you?
我是飞侠哥顿 纽约喷气机队四分卫 Flash Gordon. Quarterback, New York Jets.
看到没 这就是美国式幻想 This is the American fantasy, right here.
让一个橄榄球运动员来拯救世界 A professional NFL player is called upon to save the world.
-汤姆·布雷迪也能做到 -汤姆·布雷迪当然能做到 - Tom Brady could do that. - Tom Brady could do that!
（美国职业美式橄榄球运动员）
亲爱的 Hey, sweetie.
劳里 Hey, Lori.
买什么了 What do you got there?
火鸡汉堡 Turkey burgers.
今晚我们要宴请哪位基友吗 Are we having homosexuals over for dinner tonight?
没别人 就你们两个基友 No, just you homos.
你只是在模仿我的笑话 不过 You kind of just reworded my joke, but...
今天上班怎么样 How was work?
还好 It was fine.
你的那个白痴老板呢 How's your dickhead boss?
雷克斯没怎么样 Rex is fine.
他今天只骚扰了我一次 还算有进步 He only hit on me once today, so, it's a good thing.
强尼 来杯啤酒吗 Johnny, how about a beer?
喝山下智酒吗 A couple of Charles Brew-kow skis?
或者来点儿梅葆酒 Couple of Brew-sto yev skis?
不然就喝孟德斯酒吧 May be a Mike Brew-gas low ski?
来点儿马英酒怎么样 Perhaps a Ted Brew-ski?
你赢了 That's a good one.
我也来一杯谢耳朵酒 You know wha t, I think I, too, wan t a Martina Navr ati-brewski.
这么说不对 No, that doesn't work.
别扫兴 Don't ruin it. No.
胡扯 这么说完全可以 Bullshit! That totally works.
不 不可以 No, no.
-可以 -不行的 - Yeah, it does. - It doesn't work.
名字的结尾本身必须有"酒"字 The name has to have a "ski " At the end of it,
你刚才把"酒"字 and you just put " Brewski "
强加到名字结尾了 所以说 at the end of " Martina Navratilova ". So...
我还以为只是在说有趣的名字 I just thought we were saying funny names.
不是的 必须在结尾有"酒"字 No, it has to have a "ski" At the end of it.
要不然就没什么挑战性了 Otherwise, where's the challenge?
如果不说带"酒"字的名字 If there's no "ski " At the end of the root word,
我们不就变成不会说人话的白痴了 then we would just be idiots saying nonsense.
失踪的登山队员找到了 They found the missing hikers.
是吗 They did?
-没错 -怎么回事 - Yeah. - What happened?
他们走散了 They said they got separated
其中一个人的脚卡在了石缝里 and one of them had his foot stuck under a rock
整整五天 for like, five days.
如果你的腿被石头卡住了 You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock,
为了救你我会把它咬下来 I'd chew it off to get you free.
你会吗 You would?
肯定会的 I sure would.
这算吃人吗 Is that cannibalism?
不 我觉得不咽下去就不算 No, I think it's only cannibalism if you swallow.
当然不会 Aw, yeah. No!
别担心 我肯定咽不下去 Don't worry about that, because I don't swallow.
是吗 我听说的可不是这样 Really? 'Cause that's not what I heard.
那都是谣言 我是很有品位的人 Well, it's not true, okay? I'm a fucking classy broad.
看得出来 I can see that.
说到品味 Listen, speaking of classy,
西奥贝拉可是家很贵的餐厅 Ciao Bella is a really expensive restaurant.
（著名意大利餐厅）
所以明天我们不去那里也行 So, we can go anywhere else tomorrow.
只要在一起 去哪我都不介意 I really don't care, as long as we're together.
开什么玩笑 Are you kidding me?
不行不行 咱们在一起四年了 No, no, no. Four years, we've been going out.
我要带你去城里最好的地方 I'm taking you to the best place in town.
这两天为这事我都忙出屎了 l've been crapping out room for it for two days.
我是说 我知道我们该去哪 I mean, I know exactly what I'm gonna order.
你可真讨厌 You are so disgusting.
因为我爱你 You know I love you.
-我也爱你 -你真风骚 - I love you, too. - And you're nasty.
想做点风骚的事情吗 Do you want to get nasty?
你这个小妖精 You're a nasty girl.
他妈的 操蛋的混蛋 Fucking cocksucker motherfucker!
我真不明白 I don't understand.
都35岁的人了 Thirty-five years old and
这么点雷还能吓着你 you're still scared of a little thunder.
我才没怕呢 I am not!
雷霆兄弟一生相伴 对吗 强尼 Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
太他妈对了 Fucking right.
-来一起唱避雷歌 -好的 - All right come on. Let's sing the thunder song. - All right.
当你听到雷声 请不要怕怕 When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared
抓紧雷霆兄弟 咒语念一下 Just grab your thunder buddy And say these magic words:
雷公我草泥马 为我吹萧吧 Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick.
老天放的响屁 弱小微似渣 You can't get me, thunder.'Cause you're just God's farts.
劳里 把闹钟定到11点好吗 Lori, can you set the alarm for 11:00 A.M.?
明天我得早起 有一档子事情要干 I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.
早上好 劳里 Good morning, Lori.
早上好 Good morning.
你还好吧 亲爱的 You okay there, sweetheart?
看你魂不守舍的 You look a little flustered.
没事 我没事 I'm fine, I'm fine,
没工夫吃早饭 还没抢到车位 I just didn't have time for breakfast and the garage was full,
这都不算什么 and that's right,
但是我的男朋友居然在打雷的时候 my boyfriend can't sleep through a thunderstorm
没泰迪熊陪就睡不着觉 without his teddy bear.
我不明白你怎么还在迁就他 I don't understand why you keep putting up with him.
他都35岁了 I mean, the guy's 35,
还在一个租车行打工 and he's working for a rental car service.
我倒不是因为这点生气 You know, you guys, it's really not about that.
我其实并不在乎这些 I don't care about that.
就算他是个看门大爷我也爱他 I mean, I'd love him if he was a janitor.
他很有气度 我们在一起也很欢乐 I mean, he has a huge heart and we laugh a lot.
假如他是波士顿最性感男士就更好了 It's just a bonus that he's the hottest guy in Boston.
我只希望他能过上属于他的正常生活 I don't know. I just wish he would get his life together.
我是说属于我们的生活 但是他不能 Our life. And he can't.
我发誓那头熊就是罪魁祸首 And, I swear to God, it is because of that bear.
你得向他摊牌 要么是你 要么是那头熊 You should give him an ultimatum. It's you or the bear.
我不能这么做 会让他抓狂的 No, I can't do that. That would devastate him.
而且万一他选了泰迪怎么办 Besides, what if he chose Ted?
大家好 Well, hello there.
很抱歉打搅了你们的私房话 Sorry if I'm interrupting any private girl-talk
是不是讨论查宁·塔图姆的金手指呢 about Channing Tatum's index finger.
（《人物》杂志2012年度最性感男士）
劳里 到我办公室来一下 But, Lori, I need to see you in my office.
雷克斯 你看 The thing is, Rex,
我有很多工作要干 I have a lot of work I need to get to...
我保证这次绝对谈工作 This is work, I swear.
棒极了 Great.
-祝你好运 -谢谢 - Good luck. - Thank you.
他真令人作呕 He's such an asshole.
别激动 他可是个卑鄙小人 Out of control. He's such a sleaze.
我赌100块钱他在炫耀跳水队时的照片 A hundred bucks says he's showing her the diving team photo.
看看这个 Check this out.
这是我在高中跳水队的时候 That's me on the high school diving team.
我们当年神挡杀神 佛挡杀佛 We dove the shit out of that pool that year.
近些看 还有清晰的激凸 Now, if you look close, you can see the outline of my root.
你说过叫我来是为了工作 You promised me this was about work.
劳里 为什么你不喜欢我 Lori, why don't you like me?
我是高富帅 我爸是公司老总 I'm rich, I'm good-looking, my Dad owns the company.
我有男朋友 跟你讲过了 I have a boyfriend. I have told you this.
我知道 那个熊小子 Yeah, the guy with the bear.
但我说的是成熟的恋爱关系 劳里 But I'm talking about a mature relationship, Lori.
我们要是在一起 孩子将无与伦比 If we were together, our babies would be spectacular.
他们会拥有我高贵的白种基因和你的 With my top-of-the-pyramid Caucasian genes and your splash of...
深色 美丽的 dark, beautiful, smoky...
波罗的海人还是捷克人血统来着 Baltic? Czech?
再见 雷克斯 Goodbye, Rex.
-那好 你被开了 -才不会 - Okay, you're fired. - No. I'm not.
这里真好 Okay, that was perfect.
请问要打包吗 Would you like me to wrap your leftovers?
不用了 谢谢 No, I'm good. Thank you.
请问就把这个打包可以吗 Actually, could you wrap just this up for me?
我想拿回去吓人 I want to scare the shit out of somebody.
好的 Sure.
你是五岁小孩吗 What are you, five years old?
对 不过我有六岁的阅读水平 所以 Yeah. But I read at a six-year-old level, so...
先生 女士 你们的甜点 Sir, and madam, here is your dessert
和香槟 and champagne.
还是水晶香槟呢 Cristal.
好酒配良宵 这可是我们四周年纪念日 It's a special night. We've been dating for four years.
另外黑人富豪选择这酒总是有道理的 对吧 And, all those rich black people can't be wrong, right?
（传言黑人富商喜欢喝水晶香槟以彰显身份）
真不敢相信已经四年了 It doesn't feel like four years, does it?
是啊 No, it doesn't.
你本不应该参加那个舞会 You know, you had no business being out on that dance floor,
不过你的出现让我很开心 but I'm really happy that you were.
这首歌真好听 This song is so great.
没错 克里斯·布朗的歌没有不好听的 Yeah. Chris Brown can do no wrong.
你还真能跳几下呢 You can really move.
喜欢吧 看我这招 You like that? Check this shit out.
天啊 Oh, my God!
没事吧 Are you okay?
我的天 真对不起 God, I am so sorry.
我没事 我没事 No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
老天 真抱歉 我没看见你 Jesus, I am so sorry. I didn't see you.
我不是故意的 It was an accident.
你碰到头了吗 Did you hurt your head?
对 头很痛 Yeah, my head hurts a lot.
天啊 来 我给你弄点冰块 Oh, man. Here, let me get you some ice.
抱歉 抱歉 还痛吗 Sorry, sorry. Does it hurt?
不 没事了 No. It's fine.
我来考考你到底有多在乎我 Okay, here's a test to see how much you actually care about me.
那天晚上我们从酒吧出来 You remember that night, after the club
在一个小饭店吃宵夜 we went and had late-night eggs and waffles
一直待到早上5点 until about 5:00 A.M.
我们在店里的小电视上看了场电影 We watched a movie on the little TV in the diner.
那部电影是什么 Name that movie.
《八爪女》 Octopussy.
不错 赏你朵小红花 Baby! Gold star.
另外 我的舞技没那么糟糕吧 And, by the way, my dancing was not that bad.
-糟透了 -我动作很炫的 - It was pretty bad. - I have cool moves.
没错 跳得像个帕金森病人 Yeah, so do people with Parkinson's.
我记得不是这样的 That's not how I remember it.
那你记得是怎样的 Okay, how do you remember it?
好吧 随你怎么说 All right, whatever you say.
为下一个4年干杯 Here's to four more years.
-干杯 -你是我的幸福之源 - Cheers. - You make me happy.
虽然说好了不送礼物 不过 Now, I know we said no gifts, but...
没那么说过 We said no such thing.
我还是明目张胆地破坏了"不送礼物"的规矩 I got you something anyway,
给你带了一个小礼物 in clear violation of the " No gift " Rule.
我们没定那种规矩 We had no such rule.
劳里 这东西我很早之前就想给你了 Lori, I've wanted to give this to you for a long time.
约翰 John...
是你在小摊上看中的那副吧 Those are the ones you like, right? From that kiosk at the mall.
没错 Yeah.
知道吗 劳里 You know, Lori,
总有一天那里面会是一枚戒指 someday, there's going to be a rin g in there.
那时我会为你准备一份最特别的礼物 But I want to wait until I get you something really special.
但现在我还没那么多钱 I just don't have the money right now.
听着 我爱你才会这样说 Look, I'm only saying this because I love you.
如果你继续跟着泰迪鬼混 You're not going to have any sort of career
你根本不会有什么事业 if you keep wasting time with Ted.
老天 又开始了 Oh, jeez, here we go.
亲爱的 拜托让泰迪搬出去吧 Baby, please ask Ted to move out
这样我们才能继续我们的生活 so we can move on with our lives.
劳里 从我8岁起我们就是死党 Lori, look, he's been my best friend since I was eight.
你得理解 我小时候不合群 I was not a popular child. You have to understand.
你要知道 在他之前我一个朋友都没有 You have to understand, I had no friends before he came along.
多亏他我才能建立自信 He's the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence.
否则又会多几起校园枪击事件 I could have wound up like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech,
这都多亏了他 but l didn't'cause of him.
所以我不会想当然的就把他赶走 So, you know, I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick him out.
一只会说话的抱抱熊让你的同学们 Well, it's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing
免遭厄运 真是令人欣慰 that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.
但你早过了8岁的年龄 你已经35岁了 But you're no longer eight. You're 35 years old.
而且他不再是你唯一的朋友了 And unless you're too blind to notice,
除非你还要睁眼说瞎话 he's not your only friend anymore.
我们改天再说这个好吗 Can we talk about this another time,
现在就好好享受周年晚餐吧 and just enjoy our anniversary dinner?
该死 等一下 Oh, shit, hang on a second.
我手机掉座位底下了 Now my phone fell under the seat somewhere.
能给我响一声吗 Can you call it?
好 Yeah.
这是我的来电铃声吗 Is that my ringtone?
是的 Oh, yeah.
是什么 听起来这么像反派登场 What is it?'Cause it sounds negative.
不会 这是《恋恋笔记本》里面的 No, no, it's from The Notebook.
我还得再找一会 This is going to take some doing, I think.
那我上楼等你 I'll just meet you upstairs then?
好 我很快上去 Yeah, I'll be right there.
劳里 这么早就回来了 Lori, hey, you're home early.
这他妈是怎么回事 What the hell is this?
我跟姑娘们刚刚在看《杰克与吉尔》 The ladies and I were just watching Jack and J jill.
亚当·桑德勒演了一对兄妹 糟糕透顶 Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's just awful.
烂得没法看 It's unwatchable.
但她们都是鸡 所以没关系 But, they're hookers, so it's fine.
这地方都被你们拆了 她们是谁 This place is a wreck. Who are these girls?
我真没礼貌 Oh. Where are my manners?
这几位是似神仙 爱销魂 浪胸涌 Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Che rene,
长相思 and Sauvignon Blanc.
我爱死这些姑娘了 I love you girls.
真得感谢你们老爸没把你们射墙上 You know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers
让我有机会度过如此美妙的夜晚 I wish I could thank for this great night.
那是什么 What is that?
什么是什么 What is what?
地板上 There is...
有泡屎 A shit on my floor.
墙角那里有泡屎 In the corner, there is a shit!
我的个老天 Oh, my God! You know what?
大概是迪娅德拉 That's probably what Dierdre was doing over there
她之前在那里蹲了蛮久 Remember she was crouched over in the corner for a really long time?
我还以为在打电话呢 l thought she was just making a phone call or something.
地板上有泡屎 There is a shit on my floor!
嗯 她已经瘫在厕所了 Yeah. Yeah. She's passed out in the bathroom now.
八成是嗨药过度 She seemed like she was hopped up on something,
你看 谜底揭开了 对吧 but, you know, mystery solved, l guess, right?
是她的便便 She was taking a shit.
搞什么鬼 What the fuck?
谁住在这 我要抓走他 Who lives here? I'm coming to get whoever lives here.
你欠我龙虾币 You owe me lobster money.
我死党强尼 That's my buddy, Johnny.
不是龙虾壳 后面玩的那个 Not the lobster, the guy running it.
手机找到了 I found my phone.
出什么事了 What's going on?
那是泡屎吗 Is that a shit?
老天 这些鱼长得真奇葩 God, there are some fucked-up fish out there.
看那条 跟新教徒似的 Look at that one. WAs P-y, white-guy fish.
我娶错人了 现在后悔终生 " I married the wrong woman, and now I lead a life of regret."
看这条 Oh, look at this guy.
我1981年去了趟纽约 " I went to New York once in 1981,"
真没安全感啊 "and I just did not feel safe."
泰迪 你得搬出去 Ted, you gotta move out.
什么 What?
这是早晚的事 It's got to happen.
我做错什么了 What did I do?
我跟劳里的关系正处在紧要关头 My relationship is at a very delicate stage, you know.
我们现在需要点私人空间 Lori and I may just need a little space right now.
加上你这次都玩出屎来了 Plus, a hooker took a shit in our apartment.
-天啊 -怎么了 - Oh, God! - Ah, what?
太恶心了 Oh, this is so gross!
别说了 我不想听 弄好了吗 Don't tell me! I don't want to hear about it! Did you get it?
-没弄好 -弄好了说一声 - No, I didn't get it! - Tell me when you get it!
老天 我弄到手上了 Oh, my God, I got some on my thumb!
不 今后不能用那只手做饭了 No! You can never cook with that hand again!
你必须学着用左手做饭 You have to learn to cook left-handed.
真是有屎以来最恶心的事 This is the most disgusting thing ever!
别过来 离我远点 Don't! Get it away from me!
听着 那晚谁都没过好 Look, that was a tough night for all of us.
泰迪 你是我的一切 劳里也是 Ted, you mean everything to me, and so does Lori.
我在想办法把你们两个都留在我生命里 I'm just trying to find a way to keep you both in my life.
是她逼你的 是吧 She's making you do it, isn't she?
是 但这不代表我们不能往来了 Yes. But that doesn't mean we can't hang out.
我们会常聚聚的 We'll hang out all the time.
说好的"雷霆兄弟一生相伴"怎么办 Yeah, but what about " Thunder buddies for life," Johnny?
我知道 我真不知道该怎么办 I know. I just don't know what to do, here.
我知道这样很逊 但不然我就会失去她 I know it sucks, but otherwise I'm going to lose her.
我真心爱她 泰迪 And I do love her, Ted.
我明白 强尼 I know you do, Johnny.
我会帮你安顿下来的 我保证 I'll help you get on your feet out there, I promise.
我知道 我们会常聚的 对吧 I know. And we'll hang out all the time, right?
必须的 All the time.
好吧 去他妈的 来抱一个 Fuck it. Bring it in. Come here.
快点 来抱一个 臭小子 Bring it in, you bastard. Come on.
我爱你 I love you!
靠 抱歉 是那个 Fuck. Shit, sorry, that's the thing from the...
-原来的 -对对 - The old... - Yeah, yeah.
-我不是基佬 -我知道 - I'm not gay. - I know.
你也不是 所以没事 And you're not gay, so we're fine.
得给你找份工作 We gotta get you a job.
我看上去蠢透了 I look stupid.
哪有 短小精悍 挺不错 No you don't. You look dapper.
我看着跟个萌系小会计一样 I don't. I look like Snuggle's accountant.
谁说的 没那么糟糕 Come on, it's not that bad.
约翰 我看起来像奶奶去世的时候 John, I look like something you give your kid
用来安慰孩子们的东西 when you tell him Grandma died.
我知道这样很逊 Look, I know it sucks, okay?
但你总得工作 But you've got to make some money
挣钱付房租 so you can pay for an apartment.
我不想在杂货店工作 I don't want to work at a grocery store.
但你又没一技之长 Yeah, but you have no skills.
我说过 我当律师没问题 I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.
那也得去法学院混个学位 As l said, you would need a law degree from a law school.
不用 我是特例 No. No. I'm a special case.
我不就是个熊嘛 I'm a... I'm a talking teddy bear, for Christ's sake.
没人会计较的 他们只会觉得 They might make an exception'cause they'd be all like,
老天 这熊酷毙了 " Oh, my God! This bear's so cool."
能说会做 可以留下来 " He can talk and do stuff. Let's give him a job."
说不定还能让办公室有些生气 " May be he'll give us a few laughs around the office."
然后他们就会发现 妈啊 这家伙口才这么好 And then they're like, " Oh, my God! He can deliver."
天生打官司的料啊 " He's actually quite a litigator."
然后安德森的案子就归我了 And then they practically have to give me the Anderson case.
（1999年著名信托诈骗案）
你工作到手我们就庆祝 怎么样 You get the job, we're celebrating after, okay?
要是没到手呢 Uh-huh. And if I don't get the job,
我们还抽那锅烟吗 are we still going to smoke that pot?
也许会吧 Probably, yes.
交谈愉快 教练 多谢 Uh-huh. Okay, all right. Good talk, coach, thanks.
去吧 哥们 一鸣惊人 All right, buddy, go get'em.
别担心 我会努力 And don't worry, I'll do my very best
争取这份我如此"渴望"的工作的 to get this job that I so crave.
你觉得你能干这份工作吗 So you think you got what it takes?
告诉你我能干什么 我知道你老婆下面什么味 I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
从来没人这么对我说话 Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.
那是因为大家 That's cause everyone's
嘴里都塞着你老婆的木耳 mouth is usually full of your wife's box.
你被录用了 You're hired.
我擦 Shit.
我是个拿最低工资的过气名人 Well, I am a former celebrity in a minimum wage job.
《细路仔》的卡司肯定跟我一样郁闷 This is how the cast of Diff'rent Strokes feels.
这一天又一天的 All day, every day. Just awful.
没断气先过气 真是个悲剧 They must feel awful. The live ones must feel awful.
拜托 没那么糟 Come on. It's not that bad, okay?
瞧我那破工作 但我就很知足 I got a shitty job, and I assure you, I am quite content.
不好意思 Excuse me.
很抱歉打扰你们 I'm sorry to bother you
我跟我儿子实在真的很喜欢你的泰迪熊 but my son and I couldn't help but admire your teddy bear.
-多谢夸奖 -多谢 - Oh, thank you. - Thanks.
我叫唐尼 这是我儿子劳勃 Yeah. I'm Donny, this is Robert.
我得说 从我还是个孩子的时候 I have to say, I've been following you
就是你的追星族 ever since I was a young boy.
我还记得你上卡尔森脱口秀 and I remember seeing you on the Carson show.
你表现得太棒了 You were just wonderful.
那个脱口秀真奇怪 Oh, yeah, that was a weird interview.
艾德以为我是外星人 Ed thought I was ALF,
还一直在咕犹太人如何不好 and he kept muttering anti-Semitic comments.
不知为何他觉得外星人都是犹太血统 He thought ALF was Jewish for some reason.
你考虑过把这只熊卖掉吗 Have you ever considered selling the bear?
-什么 -你说什么 - What? - Excuse me?
我想要这东西 I want it.
我不是个东西 我是个人 懂吗 I'm not an "It", Pal. I'm a "He", All right?
抱歉 小家伙 我的熊不卖 I'm sorry, little guy, but my bear isn't for sale.
我像你这么大的时候就有他了 See, I've had him since I was about your age.
他对我有特别的意义 He's very, very special to me.
跟我讲话的时候站直了 Stand up straight when you're talking to me.
这他妈怎么说话的 Why the fuck would he say that?
抱歉 但你不该在孩子面前爆粗口 Sorry, you really shouldn't swear in front of children.
我们对你的熊真的很感兴趣 Look, we're very interested in the bear.
你如果愿意出手的话 If you want to make some sort of arrangement,
这是我的地址和电话 here's my address and phone number.
随时联系 好吗 And you can call me any time, okay?
明白 Will do.
像这样重要的东西 Here it goes, in the really important pocket
得放进重要的钱包里 for really important stuff.
回头见 Okay. See you later.
走了 劳勃 Come on, Robert.
别激动 Take it easy.
真操蛋 What the fuck?
猜猜那个小杂种会怎么对我 Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me?
绝对会把你带到地下室 I could totally see him just taking you down to the basement
一边哼着黑暗童谣 and really slowly de-limbing you
一边把你大卸八块 while singing some creepy Victorian nursery rhyme.
亲亲小便士 亲亲小便士 Oh, my little sixpence my pretty little sixpence
闭嘴 别唱了 Stop it. Knock it off.
我爱小便士 胜过爱自己 I love my sixpence Better than my life
闭嘴 靠 你非得说出来吗 Stop it! Fuck! Why you got to take it to that place?
搞得太逼真了 跟真的一样 You took it to a very... Now it's real. Now it's a real thing.
好了 别紧张 Come on. Take it easy.
咱们另找个地方爽吧 All right, look, Let's just find a better place to get stoned.
就这样了 是吧 I guess this is it, huh?
是啊 Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
离家的第一晚 First night in your own.
是啊 在新家的第一晚 Yeah, first night in my beautiful new apartment.
添置点家具肯定很棒 It'll be great when it's furnished.
是啊 房东说这里几乎没发生过凶案 Yeah, and the guy said it a in't hardly had no murders in it.
挺好的 So, that's good.
好吧 有任何需要的话 Okay, so, if you need anything...
知道 放心吧 我没问题的 Yeah, I know. Don't worry, Johnny, I'll be fine.
我知道 I know you will.
好吧 All right.
早上好 Hey there.
早 Hey.
我想对你说声谢谢 Listen, I just want to say thank you.
我知道让泰迪搬走对你来说很艰难 I know what you did with Ted wasn't easy, and...
我很感激你作出的牺牲 I just want you to know that I love you for it,
让我们的关系有了一个全新的开始 and I think it's a new beginning for our relationship.
为了你什么都行 Hey, anything for you.
这就是全新成年人约翰·班尼特 This is all part of the new, grown-up adult john Bennett,
你要尽快适应 so you better get used to him.
真的吗 Really?
知道吗 Well, you know,
我还要20分钟才上班 I don't have to be at work for another 20 minutes.
太好了 Well, that's perfect.
因为我只需要1分钟就能搞定 Because I'm only going to need one.
知道我最喜欢你哪点吗 You know what my favorite thing about you is?
你总能带给我惊喜 即使已经4年了 That, even after four years, you can still surprise me.
为了让女朋友更快乐 To step up and change such a huge part of your life
可以完全改变自己的生活 just to make your girlfriend happier.
我想大部分男人都做不到 I don't know, I guess most guys wouldn't do that.
他们改变的回报不是你 当然没动力了 Well, most guys don't have you to motivate them.
我不是一只会说话的泰迪熊 I know I'm not a talking teddy bear,
但至少你用不着许魔法愿望就能得到我 but at least you didn't have to make a magical wish to get me.
你怎么知道用不着 How do you know?
那是一把飞侠哥顿的激光枪吗 Is that a Flash Gordon ray gun,
还是你已经按捺不住了 or are you just happy to see me?
给你 There we go.
多谢惠顾 欢迎下次光临 Thank you very much, please come again.
我们货源充足 We have a lot more groceries.
埃兰 Hey, Ellen.
什么事 Yeah?
那边那位是谁 Who's that over there?
新来的收银妹 That's the new checkout girl.
不知道叫什么 挺漂亮的 Don't know her name. Seems cute.
相当漂亮 知道我要做什么吗 Yeah, very cute. Do you know what I'd like to do to her?
我这招叫毛熊诱惑 Something I call a Dirty Fozzie.
好吧 起码知道底线在这里了 Okay, all right, so that's where we'll draw the line.
近来如何 Hey, how are you holding up?
挺好的 正在努力适应 就这样 O h, I'm all right. I'm just getting used to things, that's all.
会好起来的 It's going to be all right.
其实我跟上一个男朋友 I actually went through
也经历过类似的事情 something like this with my last boyfriend.
-真的 -对 - Really? - Yeah.
我们相处了8个月 我非常爱他 We were together for eight months, and I really loved him.
后来他被驱逐回伊朗了 And then he got deported back to Iran,
我理解你的心情 so I know what you're going through.
这么说我们都失去了一个毛茸茸的小家伙 Oh, yeah. So, I guess we both lost our furry little guy.
没错 We sure did.
泰迪 Hey, Ted.
强尼 干什么呢 Hey, Johnny, what are you doing?
想过来嗑两口吗 You want to come over and catch a buzz?
我下班之后过去 Well, I could probably stop by after work.
真不巧 我昨天跟人换班 今天晚班 Fuck that. I traded off yesterday so I got the other shift.
我快闷死了 过来玩一会 Come on, I'm bored a s crap over here. Just swing by for a bit.
我不能随便翘班 老兄 I can not just ditch work, man.
为了劳里 我得成熟起来 Look, I'm trying to get my shit together
把自己的烂摊子整理好 and be an adult here, for Lori's sake.
约翰 就5分钟 保证到点就赶你走 John, five minutes and then I'll kick you out, I promise.
快来 我弄到了《干杯酒吧》的DVD套碟 Just come over. I got the Cheers DVD box set
音像店的人跟我说 and the guy down at the store told me
访谈里大家互相大爆猛料 that everybody talks shit about each other in the interviews.
5分钟就赶我走 You'll kick me out in five?
5分钟就赶你走 约翰 必须的 I will kick you out in five. John, I have to kick you out.
还有好多熊事等着我处理呢 烦死了 I have so much teddy bear paperwork I have to get to. It is sick.
我怎么跟托马斯说 What do I tell Thomas?
就说你不舒服 Just tell him you don't feel well.
我得出去一会 I gotta cut out for a bit.
劳里想阻止一群狗打架 Lori tried to break up a dog fight
结果受伤不轻 and I guess she got hurt pretty bad.
天啊 Oh, my God!
她就是这样 Yeah, that's the way she is.
看见有麻烦就上去帮忙 She sees trouble and she wants to help out,
貌似有只狗咬住她胳膊不放 and I guess one of these dogs clamped his jaws on her forearm
直到消防员赶来 and wouldn't let go until the fireman showed up
用手指插他屁眼才松口 and stuck his finger in his ass.
老天 Oh, Jesus.
她真吓坏了 Yeah, she's pretty shook up.
插的是狗的屁眼 对吧 Up the dog's ass, right?
是狗的屁眼 不是消防员的屁眼 Yeah, up the dog's, not the fireman's ass.
我以为消防员用手指插自己屁眼 I thought the fireman stuck his own finger up his own ass.
我觉得消防员一般不那么干 No, I don't think a firefighter would do that.
快去处理吧 回来告诉我她怎么样了 Go, take care of it. Let me know how she is.
-谢了 -去吧 - Thank you. - Go.
《干杯酒吧》剧组里有可卡因吗 Was there cocaine on the set of Cheers?
我想想啊 怎么答最恰当 Um, let me see, what's the best way to answer that?
GAY片里有屌吗 Are there naked dicks in gay porn?
没错 剧组确实有 Yeah. Yeah, there was a... There was cocaine on the set,
但那是八十年代 你懂的 but it was the '80s, man. You know?
我可是八十年代之王 我他妈可是特德·丹森 I was the king of the '80s. l was Ted-fucking-Danson.
更何况我他妈还是让人疯狂的"山姆·马隆" More importantly, l was Sam-fucking-"May day"-Malone.
还有什么要问 哦对了 我很红吗 What was your other question? Oh, yeah, was I popular?
GAY片里有屌吗 Are there naked dicks in gay porn?
对 对 不对 人们 人们还是爱我的 Yeah. Yeah. No, l was, was beloved.
这家伙 太会迎合大众口味 You know, he's exactly who you want him to be.
当然 我们都该以他为榜样 He is. He is a man we can all model ourselves after.
伍迪·哈里森的老二世界第一小 Woody Harrelson. Smallest dick I've ever seen on a man.
看碟就这点好 See, that's why I watch these things.
有好多平时看不到的 That's like a cool
幕后猛料 behind-the-scenes thing that you wouldn't know.
来试试这个 Oh, hey, listen, try this.
我跟供货商说要带劲的 他给了我这个 I told my we ed guy to step it up and he gave me that.
这是什么 What is it?
这个叫"精神强暴" 其实药效很轻 It's called "Mind Rape". It's actually pretty mellow.
听起来可不轻 It doesn't sound very mellow.
它只有三种衍生品 Well, he only had three other batches.
"野性呼唤" "Gorilla Panic",
"亦真亦幻" "They're Coming, They're Coming",
还有一种叫"永久创伤" and something called, "This is Permanent".
来吧 点上试试 Go on, spark it up.
对 就这样 There you go. You got it.
还行吧 干得好 Nice. Good, huh? Good job.
-还行 -好好享受吧 - Yeah. - Take pride in that.
这地方弄得不错 You know, this place looks great.
谢谢 都是宜家货 Thanks, man, it's all IKEA.
一共才47刀 Did the whole place for $47.
-真棒 -是啊 - Nice. - Yeah.
邻居都怎么样 How are the neighbors?
隔壁住着一户亚洲人 You know, there's an Asian family living next door
他们不会敲锣打鼓的 所以还不错 but they don't have a gong or nothing, so it's not too bad.
-真幸运 -是啊 - That's lucky. - Yeah, it is.
-工作怎么样 -糟透了 - How's work? - It sucks.
你呢 You?
其实还不错 You know, not bad actually.
刚搭上一个收银妹 I met a girl. She's a cashier.
-不是吧 太棒了 -是的 - No way, that's awesome! - Yeah.
应该搞一次对对碰约会什么的 Well, we should fucking double-date, or something.
你 我和劳里 她叫什么 You, me and Lori, and what's her name?
大俗名 猜猜 White trash name. Guess.
-曼迪 -不是 - Mandy? - No.
-玛丽琳 -不是 - Marilyn? - No.
-蕊妮 甜妮 -不是 - Britney? Tiffany? - No. No.
-迪丝 -不是 - Candice? - No.
别找茬 这方面我是行家 Don't fuck with me on this. I know this shit!
-我像在找茬吗 -好 来报菜名 - Do you see me fucking with you? - All right, speed round.
我给你报一段 I'm going to rattle off some names
说到了你就吱一声 and when I hit it, fucking buzz it.
-我会的 -听好了 - I will tell you. - You got me?
甜心 甜蜜 甜香 甜美 All right, Brandi, Heather, Channing,
如花 如玉 如梦 如烟 Breanna, Amber, Sabrina, Melody,
春香 夏香 秋香 冬香 Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal,
金花 银花 翠花 秀花 Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tami,
若梅 若兰 若菊 若竹 Lauren, Charlene, Chantal, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista,
美慧 美娟 美凤 美娇 Mindy, Noelle, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra,
莺儿 燕儿 情儿 婉儿 Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Earline, Claudine,
曼青 曼云 曼君 曼玉 Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra, Carla, Chloe, Devon, Emmylou.
-不会是他妈的莫愁吧 -不是 - Fucking Becky? - No.
是不是这其中某个名字后面加个"琳"字 Wait, was it any one of those names with a "Lynn" After it?
是 Yes.
我知道了 混蛋 I got you, motherfucker.
我知道了 I got you. Okay.
甜心琳 甜蜜琳 甜香 Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn, Channing...
甜美琳 Tami-Lynn.
靠 Fuck!
怎么回事 What the hell?
老兄 能多开几个收款台吗 Hey, man, you think you can open more than one register?
这里排了几千个人 There's, like, 1,000 people here.
应该开有三个收银台才对 There's supposed to be three registers open.
我的老天 For God's sakes.
把手指插我商标里 Stick your finger in the loop of my tag.
你跟一名同事躺在我们向公众出售的 You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker
农产品上做爱 on top of the produce that we sell to the public.
我上星期用一根萝卜跟她干了一炮 I fucked her with a parsnip last week
然后把萝卜卖给了一户有4个小孩的家庭 and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
你胆子不小 我们需要胆量 That took guts. We need guts.
我要给你升迁 I'm promoting you.
你肯定是有心理障碍 对吧 You got a lot of problems, don't you?
卡里姆投篮 All right, Kareem!
（卡里姆·阿布杜尔-贾巴尔 美国职业篮球运动员）
逊爆了 卡里姆 Ah! You suck, Kareem.
有人吗 Hello?
泰迪 Hey, Ted.
老兄 近来如何 Hey there, fella. How are you?
你是孤身一人吗 Are you out here all alone?
不 我不是 Uh, no, no, I'm not.
基督不会扔下我们不管 You know, you're never alone when you're with Christ.
所以我不是孤身一人 So, no, I'm not alone.
我也不是 Yeah. Me, too.
我跟劳勃可以给你一个很好的家 You know, Robert and I could give you a very, very good home.
我现在过得就很好 Yeah, I'm pretty happy where I am.
刚租了一间破公寓 I just got a shitty new apartment...
我可以给你价值6千刀的铁路债券 I can offer you $6,000 in railroad bonds.
（美国铁路债券黄金时期始于内战 终于二十世纪初期）
我刚刚打完内战 Well, you know, since I just returned
退役回来 from active duty in the Civil War,
这买卖听起来挺诱人的 that actually sounds very appealing.
等等 不对 Oh, wait, I'm sorry.
那是150年前的事了 所以我没兴趣 That was 150 years ago and I don't give a shit.
好吧 Okay.
泰迪 快点 Teddy, come on,
约好跟你朋友吃饭就快迟到了 we're going to be late for dinner with your friends.
马上过去 亲爱的 Okay, I'll be there in a second, baby.
你看到了 我应酬在身 As you can see, my dance card is quite full.
所以只好推掉你了 So, I'm going to have to decline.
能抱一下你吗 Can I just get a hug?
不行 Oh, uh. No.
-来吧 -不行 - Yeah. - No, no.
拒绝你真的让我很难受 And it kills me to have to tell you no,
谁叫我是个老好人呢 because I'm a people pleaser.
多谢你大晚上像个变态似的来跟踪我 Thank you for creeping up my night.
-耶稣与你同在 -好吧 - And Jesus be with you... - Okay.
阿门 In Christ.
那是谁 Who was that guy?
希妮德·奥康娜 That was Sinead O'Connor.
（爱尔兰女歌手 因性取向广受关注）
她已经风光不再了 She don't look so good no more.
当时我快气疯了 See. l was all pissed off
去年 我跟朋友丹尼尔 'cause me and my friend Danielle
准备去玩跳伞 was supposed to go skydiving last year,
但有个混球把她肚子搞大了 我们就没法去了 but then she got pregnant from this asshole guy, and so we couldn't go.
我难过得要命 And l was all upset.
结果她流产了 But then she had a miscarriage
所以最后还是去跳了伞 and so, we ended up getting to go skydiving
很吓人 但也超爽 And it was so scary, but it was, like, so much fun.
太好了 听起来是个圆满的结局 Hey, well, sounds like everything worked out then, huh?
谁说不是呢 这都是上帝的旨意 是吧 I know! You know, it's like God wanted me to go skydiving, you know?
老天 Jesus.
嗯 也可能是老天爷 Or jesus. Him, too. Could be him.
对 Yeah.
四人聚餐真是太棒了 How great is this? The four of us out to dinner.
我们之前一直都说要一起 How long have we been saying we were going to...
劳里 你好吗 好久不见了 Lori, how you doing? I haven't talked to you in forever.
我很好 很好 I'm good. I'm good.
公司下周举办20周年纪念派对 The company's having their 20th anniversary party next week.
也就这点事 So, that's something.
劳里是一家巨头公关公司的资深副总裁 Lori's a senior VP at a big, huge PR firm.
没什么大不了的 It's not that big of a deal.
这公司20岁了 Company's turning 20, huh?
所以你能跟它做爱 但不能跟它喝酒 So you can bang it, but you can't get it drunk.
（美国法定结婚年龄18周岁 法定饮酒年龄21周岁）
她听懂了 Right? Yeah, she gets it.
她喜欢我的幽默 She enjoys my humor.
雷克斯准备举办一场家庭派对 Yeah, Rex is having a house party
不过我很惊讶约翰居然没告诉你 but I'm surprised john didn't tell you,
自你搬出去以后你俩是 considering you two have seen each other
天天都在"幽会"吧 every single day since you moved out.
有趣的是我们每次"幽会"时 You know, it's funny, because whenever johnny and I hang out
所谈论的第一件事都是 the first item on our agenda is,
劳里最近怎么样 "What's going on with lori?"
所以 有趣的是 他确实没提过 So, it's funny that that didn't come up.
肯定是事情太多忘记了 That must have slipped through the cracks.
不过我们确实一直在谈你 Yeah, but we do talk about you all the time.
还记得有一次我说 Yeah, you remember the other day, I was saying
劳里的头发多好看啊 how great Lori's hair always looks.
老天爷 实在是太美了 Oh, my God, it always looks so great!
美得我他妈的都想帮她梳梳头了 I always want to fucking brush it.
对吧 强尼 我是这么说的 Right, Johnny? I say that.
那么 甜美琳 So, Tamilynn,
说说你的故事吧 why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?
比如 你是哪里人之类的 Like, where are you from?
我一直想了解了解泰迪的女友们 I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends.
"们"是什么意思 What do you mean "Girlfriends"?
除了我还有不少吗 Was there a lot of them or something?
不 她不是这个意思 对吧 劳里 No, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori?
-劳里 你不是这意思吧 -不 不 不 - Lori, you didn't mean that. - No, no, no.
我的意思是泰迪这么英俊潇洒 What I meant to say was Ted's very handsome,
我很好奇什么样的小姐 so I'm always interested in meeting
才能勾搭上他 the lady that can snatch him up.
你在暗示我是个婊子吗 Did you just call me a whore?
什么 What?
管好自己在勾搭谁就行了 小妞 You just worry about your own "Snatch", How about that, honey?
搞什么飞机 和谐地吃顿饭而已啊 What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal here.
多好的一晚上 This was a nice evening.
别跟我阴阳怪气 Don't talk shit to me.
只是问个问题而已 I just asked you a question.
知道吗 你就是狗眼看人低 You know, you're a freaking snob.
你以为你在什么狗屁大公司工作就了不起吗 You think you're cool because you work at some fucking fancy shit place?
-我才不鸟呢 -淡定 - whatever. - Okay, take it easy.
好样的 劳里 干得好 Nice, Lori, real nice.
我 她自己听不懂人话又不是我的错 Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English.
去你妈的 Oh, fuck you!
就因为你自己是个狗屁副总 Just because you're on the business world and shit
你是不是就觉得所有人都要该给你跪舔了 you think, what, everybody should suck your asshole, or something?
好了好了 甜美 宝贝儿 咱们离开这儿吧 Okay. All right, Tami, come on, honey. Let's get out of here.
去我那儿来点伏特加和草莓快客吧 We'll go back to my place for a couple of vodka and strawberry Quiks.
（粉色冰毒）
回家找根棍儿自己自嗨去吧 You know what? Stick your fucking asshole right up your fucking ass.
懂不 要不是老娘还穿着礼服 How about that? You're lucky I'm in my fucking restaurant clothes, bitch.
肯定把你屎都踹出来 'Cause l'd kick your fucking ass right now.
老娘生过孩子 贱人 You know what? I gave birth once, bitch.
老娘是见过世面的 I could kick your fucking ass.
别让我在昆西见到你 听到了吗 And you better never show your face around Quincy, you hear me?
-好了 走吧 -别让我看到你 - Okay, come on. - Ever!
我都不知道你还生过孩子 还是活的吗 I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?
真是个贱货 What a cunt.
我讨厌这个词 Ow! I hate that word!
-什么 -这个词 - What? - That word.
它太伤人了 就像一把光剑 It's so sharp, it's like an electric sword,
能把什么好事都毁了 slashing everything in its path.
你为什么用这个词啊 Why would you say that?
你刚才都没帮我说话 You didn't exactly stand up for me.
我不想得罪任何一个人 I'm trying to walk a line, here.
这样对你和他都公平些 I want to be fair to you and to him, you know?
我倒是觉得你有点偏袒他了 I think you're being a little more fair to him.
别这样 Oh, come on.
对了 你老板今早打电话问我的手怎么样了 You know, your boss called this morning asking me how my arm was.
因为我阻止狗打架 把手弄伤了 Yeah, because of that dog fight that I tried to break up.
要我猜的话 If l had to make a guess.
你又找这种胡扯的借口 I would say that you made up some bullshit excuse
翘班去找泰迪了吧 to get out of work to go to Ted's.
我猜对没 Now, am I right?
但我把你说成了英雄 I made you out to be a hero.
约翰 让泰迪搬走就是为了 You know what, John, we asked Ted to move out
给我们营造一个没有他的环境 so we can give ourselves a chance without him.
但你要这样每天翘班去和你的泰迪熊 You're not giving anything a chance
日夜笙歌是营造不了任何环境的 if you keep blowing off work to get high with your teddy bear.
你说得对 You're right.
我知道我每次都喝多 I've been getting stoned too much. I know that.
我也明白我花了太多时间和泰迪搅在一起 I've been bumming around with Ted too much. I know that, too.
再给我一次机会 我保证改过自新 You give me one more chance, I promise I can fix it.
约翰 我需要的是成熟的男人 John, I need a man.
不是只会抱着泰迪熊的男孩 Not a little boy with a teddy bear.
遵命 成熟男人 近在眼前 I know, done. Man. Right here, in front of you, all right?
瞧瞧这胸肌 成熟男人的胸肌 Look at these pecs. These are man pecs.
再看看我嘴上的胡子 成熟男人的胡子 Look at the hair on my upper lip. That's man hair.
我刚放了个屁 成熟男人的屁 I just farted. That was a man fart.
好吧 约翰 但我对天发誓 这是最后一次了 Fine, John, but this is, I swear to God, your last chance.
相信我 我爱你 Trust me. I love you.
好吧 我也爱你 All right, I love you.
我太爱你了 你不会后悔的 我发誓 I love you so much. You won't be sorry, I swear.
你刚才真放屁了吗 Did you really just fart?
放了 不过用手扇到那边去了 Yeah, but I pushed it that way with my hand.
我在想谁会第一个闻到 I wonder who it's going to hit first.
我告诉过他了 我告诉他好几次了 So, if I told him once, I told him a million times,
这些数额不会增加 these numbers do not add up.
谁那么无法无天 Who did this to us?
该死的 我正在谈生意呢 God damn it! I'm here on business!
好了 咱们进去吧 All right, here we go.
我真的很高兴你能来 I'm really glad that you came.
-我也很高兴能来 -真的 - Me, too. - Yeah?
我能胖揍你老板一顿吗 Is it okay if I kick your boss's ass?
应该不会影响到你的人际关系吧 That won't affect your workplace chemistry, will it?
拜托你老实点 Please play nice.
好吧 为了你 For you, I will.
-谢谢 -必须的 - Thank you. - Anything.
终于到了 还担心你不来了呢 There she is. I was worried you weren't coming.
小子 别来无恙 你的小兔子呢 Hey, squirt, how you doing? Where's your bunny rabbit?
他是只熊 He's a bear.
明白 天呐 这房子真他妈大 Got it. Oh, my God! This house is fucking huge!
小心别走丢了 进屋吧 I know. Try not to get lost. Come on in.
女士们都在这呢 Wow! Here are the ladies.
瞧瞧你们 实在是太美了 Look at you guys. You guys look amazing.
眼影画得有些重 不过也挺好 A little heavy on the eye makeup, but pretty good.
-谢谢 雷克斯 -谢谢 - Thank you, Rex. - Thank you.
你们都认识劳里和吉姆吧 You guys know Lori and jim, right?
-他是约翰 -约翰 - John. - John, yeah.
你好 Hi.
这样吧 我带约翰去吧台那边喝一杯 Listen, why don't john and I go get a drink at the bar?
没问题 Sure.
好的 马上就回来 走吧 伙计 Great, we'll be right back. Come on, buddy.
你这毛衣有些年头了吧 It's an old sweater, huh?
这宅邸真是不可思议 This house is unbelievable.
你没来过吗 Haven't you been here before?
怎么说 What do you mean?
就是你和雷克斯 You know, when you and Rex were...
哦 没有 那都是上班时候 Oh, no. That was at work.
你们就直接在公司里 You guys did it in the office?
-嗯 -什么地方 - Yeah. - Where?
男厕 In the men's room.
我的天 Oh, my God.
很奇怪吗 那你呢 Why? Where did you sleep with him?
这里 Here.
哦 Oh.
不好意思 Sorry.
我们是在残障间 It was in the handicapped stall,
比普通间舒适 so it was nicer than the regular stalls.
这是韦德·博格斯亲笔签名的棒球棍 This is Wade Boggs'autographed bat.
（著名棒球运动员）
竞拍时我差点就输给菲尔·多纳休了 I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at auction.
（著名导演）
真酷 Wow, cool.
对 超酷的 Yeah, cool.
这是乔·路易斯第一场拳赛用的拳套 These boxing gloves were worn by joe Louis in his first fight.
（著名拳击运动员）
这才叫艺术 看得懂吗 This is art. Get it?
这是约翰·列侬的眼镜 These were John Lennon's glasses.
（著名歌手）
大概值一百万美元吧 They're worth, like, a million dollars.
这是我和汤姆·斯克里特的合影 That's me and Tom Skerritt.
瞧瞧这个 Check this out.
这是兰斯·阿姆斯特朗的蛋蛋 It's Lance Armstrong's nut.
（著名自行车运动员 1996年被诊断为睾丸癌）
我将它冷冻干燥后铸铜了 I had it freeze-dried and bronzed.
每当我的生活陷入低谷 Every now and then when my life's getting me down
万事皆不如意时 and things are tough,
我都会上楼来看看它 I just come up here and I look at it.
它让我明白一切还没那么糟 And it reminds me that things are n't so bad.
有时你觉得自己像个傻帽 Sometimes you feel like a nut.
有时还不如傻帽呢 Sometimes you don't.
来说说吧 强尼·奎斯特 So, talk to me, Johnny Quest.
（游戏角色）
你和劳里怎么样了 How are things with you and Lori?
事实上挺好的 Things are great, actually.
那就好 那就好 That's great. That is great.
劳里肯定不让我说出去 You know, Lori would hate me for saying this,
但她跟我说了你在办公室的所作所为 but she told me how you are at the office.
就咱俩私下来说 And, as one gentleman to another, I just want to say,
我真心希望你赶紧得葛雷克氏症一死了之 I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.
我得给自己澄清一下 I think I need to clear the air here a little.
我确实是个爱开玩笑的上司 Yeah, I'm kind of a fun-time boss and what-not.
但我对办公室里的每个员工都这样 But, look, man, I do that with everybody at the office.
我确实有一点怪癖 I'm a kook.
但我对你的女友没什么特别企图 I have no designs on your girlfriend.
只是共事 仅此而已 We work together, and that's it.
她很幸运能遇到你这样不错的人 I think you're a great guy and she's a very lucky girl.
真高兴你这么说 Well, that's good to hear.
接个电话 Excuse me.
泰迪 Hey, Ted.
强尼 你在哪儿呢 赶紧过来 哥们 Johnny, where are you? You got to get over here, man.
怎么了 发生什么事了 Why, what's going on?
我找了些人在我的公寓 Okay, so I'm having a little impromptu thing
开了个即兴派对 with some people at my apartment.
然后 约翰 And, John,
萨姆·琼斯也来了 Sam Jones is here.
什么 What?
萨姆·琼斯 他妈的飞侠哥顿也来了 Sam Jones. Flash-fucking-Gordon is here.
我擦 什么 Holy shit! What?
还记得我说过 You remember I said
我朋友的表兄认识萨姆·琼斯吗 my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones?
我那朋友和他表兄来参加派对 My buddy's in town with his cousin,
猜他们和谁一起来的 萨姆·琼斯 and who do you think is with him? Sam jones.
萨姆·琼斯就在这 Sam Jones is here,
还有 约翰 and, John,
他梳的中分头 his hair is parted down the middle.
和电影里一模一样 Just like in the movie.
就是这样 所以赶紧来吧 Yes. Get over here right now.
该死 不行 Fuck, I can't!
我在陪劳里呢 已经答应她了 I'm with Lori here. I'm already on probation.
我不能去 I can't.
约翰 John,
飞侠哥顿是我们成长过程中对我们影响最大的人 Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years.
他教会了我们是非善恶 He taught us right from wrong, good from evil.
还诠释了"表演"这个词 And that the word " Acting " apparently
真正的内涵 has an extremely broad definition.
飞侠哥顿是我们友谊的象征 Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John.
来和我一块分享吧 Come share this with me.
这就去 I'm coming.
雷克斯 我得走了 Rex, I got to go.
顶多半小时回来 好吗 I'll be back in 30 minutes, tops, okay?
但千万不能让劳里知道我走了 But Lori can not find out. She absolutely can not know I was gone.
帮我打掩护的话 以前的事一笔勾销 If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.
交给我吧 她不会知道的 有我呢 I got your back on this. She won't know. I've been there.
好的 这是男人之间的约定 All right, this is one man to another.
我并不了解你 但作为一个男人 我相信你 I don't really know you, but I'm trusting you, as a man.
我是很认真的 This is serious.
伙计 男人之间的约定 交给我了 Dude, one man to another. I got you on this
多谢了 我去去就回 Thank you. I'll be back.
我要去和你女朋友干炮了 I'm going to have sex with your girlfriend.
强尼 感谢上帝你及时赶到了 Johnny, thank Christ you made it.
伙计 我只能待十分钟 飞侠哥顿在哪 Dude, I got 1 O minutes. Where's Flash Gordon?
好吧 准备好 Okay, get ready.
萨姆 这就是我给你提过的哥们 Hey, Sam, this is the guy I was telling you about.
#飞侠# # Flash #
#伟大的救世主# # Savior of the universe #
#飞侠# # Flash #
#拯救世人于水火# # He'll save every one of us #
#胸怀勇气无畏惧# # Just a man with a man's courage #
#顶天立地行义事# # He knows nothing but a man #
#披荆斩棘不言败# # But he can never fail #
#赤子之心寻圣杯# # No one but the pure in heart can find the golden grail #
你好 很高兴认识你 How you doing? Good to meet you.
感谢你拯救世人于水火 I thank you for saving every one of us.
不客气 Well, you're welcome.
他承认了 He acknowledged it.
去喝几杯吧 Let's do some shots.
和你一起 With you?
-天啊 好的 -天啊 好的 - Oh, my God, yes! - Oh, my God, yes!
走吧 Let's go!
谢谢 飞侠 Thanks, Flash.
-来一杯 我的朋友 -谢谢 - There you go, my friend. - Thank you.
致明死地 Death to Ming!
（《飞侠哥顿》中的反派）
必须的 Yes!
看起来你俩挺会玩 You know, you guys seem pretty cool.
想不想嗨起来 You like to party?
你的意思是来点可卡因吗 Cocaine, right?
得了吧 伙计 别告诉我以前没干过 Come on, dudes. Don't tell me you never done it before.
最近是没有 Not recently, no.
我还以为只有佛罗里达人才这么弄呢 I thought that was just for people in Florida.
跟我来 You better follow me.
走吧 Come on.
强尼 我吓尿了 Johnny, I'm frightened.
我们要像80年代的人那样噪起来 We are going to party like the 80s.
带个头吧 飞侠 Show us how, Flash.
很简单 It's easy.
干倒所有叫斯蒂芬妮的女孩 We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
天呐 强尼 我现在精力爆棚 God, Johnny, I got so much energy.
现在不干点蠢事更待何时 We better start doing stupid shit.
你和我 我们来自不同的世界 You and me, we come from different world
当我看其他女孩 你会嘲笑我 You like to laugh at me when I look at other girls
强尼 要是咱们 Look, Johnny, if we're ever going to
真决定开个餐馆 get serious about opening a restaurant,
现在就得开始计划了 we got to start planning it now.
-意大利餐馆 -对 意大利餐馆 Italian. - Italian, yes.
-周二的特色菜是什么 -茄汁帕玛森奶酪 - What's the special on Tuesdays? - Eggplant parm.
切丝沙拉 半价 Chopped salad, half price.
而且要不限人种 And it's a non-restricted place.
-等等 什么叫不限人种 -任何人都能来 - Yeah. Wait, what do you mean? - Anybody can come.
-当然 -犹太人也能来 - Of course. - Jews are welcome.
好吧 他们本来就能来啊 Well, yeah. Why wouldn't they be?
没错 就是这意思 Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
那为啥还专门提出来 Why even bring that up?
不用提出来 让他们进去就行了 You don't bring it up, you just let them in.
-那干嘛还提 -没人会提 - Why mention it? - No one will.
那咱们为啥要谈这个 Why are we talking about it?
是你在谈这个 我只是说 让他们进来 You're talking about it. I'm just saying, let them in.
-让他们进 -对 - Let them in. - Exactly.
-好的 -非常好 - Right. - Good.
-就这么定了 -不过不准墨西哥人进 Okay. - No Mexicans, though.
有时你疯疯癫癫 Sometimes you're crazy
这是90年代的唱法 This is how everybody sang in the 90s.
我是如此孩子气 因为海豚都会让我哭泣 I'm such a baby 'cause the Dolphins make me cry
心有余而力不足 Nothin' I can do
我在找寻如你一般的女孩 I've been looking for a girl like you
-相信我 我能搞定 -别扯了 - Trust me, I can do this. - Shut up.
让他试试吧 伙计 Let him try it, man.
好吧 豁出去了 All right, fuck it.
快 快 快 Go, go, go!
你这个王八蛋 You son of a bitch!
你就不该相信我 我刚磕了药 Well, you never should have trusted me. I'm on drugs.
四目相对 你竟无语凝咽 You look at me, you got nothin' left to say
我撅起嘴 直到得偿所愿 I'm gonna pout at you until I get my way
强尼 我有个不错的主意 Hey, Johnny, I just had a great idea.
我们喝个烂醉然后吐遍整个立交桥上的车 Let's go get drunk and puke on cars from the overpass.
拜托 我又不是皮特·格里芬 Come on, I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin.
（《恶搞之家》主人公 配音与泰迪熊为同一人）
我不会跳舞 你不会唱歌 I won't dance, and you won't sing...
只要会元音就能精通所有90年代的歌曲 You can do any 90s song with just vowels.
A-E-I-O-U A-E-I-O-U
没错吧 加菲猫的眼睛看起来就像一对奶子 See? There, proof. Garfield's eyes look like a pair of tits.
还真是 You were right.
要能打穿这墙 你就是真的飞侠哥顿 If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.
你真准备这么做 Are you going to do it?
我要打穿它 I'm going to punch through it.
来吧 萨姆 打穿它 Come on, Sam, do it! Do it!
我的老天 Oh, my God!
好样的 他做到了 Yes! He did it!
你怎么搞哒 What's the matter with you!
你有毛病啊 What the hell you problem?
你打穿了我的墙 老子和你拼了 You break my wall! I break you wall!
掰断他的胳膊 Break his arm off!
我们要死了 我们全都要死了 We're going to die. We're all going to die.
弄断它 弄断它 Break this up, break this up.
抓住他 Get him!
你打穿了我的墙 我在这住了好久了 You break my wall! This my home long time.
你打穿了我的墙 你们这帮混蛋 You break my wall, you bastard men.
真抱歉 那是个意外 We're sorry, it was an accident, okay?
我本来要炖鸭吃的 被你们搞得到处都是灰 I try to make duck dinner, now plaster everywhere.
冷静下 咱们谈谈行吗 Chill out. Can we just talk about this?
你叫什么名字 我叫约翰 What's your name? I'm John.
我叫王明 My name is Wan Ming.
明 Ming?
你们要赔很多钱来修墙 You pay many dollar for wall!
都是扯淡 都他妈瞎扯淡 This bullshit! This all bullshit!
致明死地 Death to Ming!
强奸呀 Rape!
萨姆 放开他 Sam, let him go.
你疯了 你疯了 伙计 You crazy! You crazy, man!
走啦 詹姆斯·弗兰科 Come on, James Franco.
（美国男演员）
你要赔钱修墙 You pay for wall!
让开 混球 Move, sucker!
有生以来最棒的一晚 Greatest night ever!
伙计 Hey, guy.
你还好吗 What's going on?
这是贾里德 那个半夜痛揍我的家伙 This is Jared. He's the guy who beat me up.
现在我们恋爱了 And we're in love.
我发现自己是同性恋 Turns out I'm gay, or whatever.
管他呢 I had no idea.
贾里德 再去弄点这玩意吧 Hey, Jared, let's go grab another one of these.
下一步怎么办 冠军 How we doing, ace?
虚了吗 You coming down?
我有点不舒服 Yeah, I don't feel so good.
过几个小时又是好汉一条 小伙子 Give it a couple of hours. You'll be golden, Ponyboy.
要来点阿普唑仑吗 You want a Xanax?
(抗焦虑药)
该死 糟糕 Holy shit. Oh, my God.
怎么了 What?
我得走了 I got to go.
劳里 我 Lori, I...
劳里 Lori!
劳里 等等 求你了 Lori, wait, please.
我真的很抱歉搞砸了 Look, I'm sorry, I messed up...
约翰 请你今晚就搬出我的公寓 John, I need you out of the apartment tonight.
-我能 -车钥匙给我 - Can I... - Just give me the car keys.
-我能解释一下吗 -不行 - Can I please just explain? - No.
我只是 Look, I was...
我为了你牺牲了大好青春 I have given up a huge chunk of my life for you.
我本来打算只待上五分钟 I was going to stop in for like five minutes
后来飞侠哥顿 and then Flash Gordon...
快把车钥匙给我 Just give me the car keys.
劳里 Lori.
劳里 求你了 我爱你 Lori, please, I love you.
强尼 原来你在这 我得出来透透气 Johnny, there you are. I had to get some air.
你办公室那同事正坐在沙发上 That guy from your office is in there on the couch
和那个长相狂野的机车男搞基呢 making out with that Van Wilder-looking guy.
滚一边去 别跟我说话 You know what? Fuck you. I don't even want to talk to you.
什么 What?
你知道刚发生了什么吗 Do you know what just happened?
你什么都不知道吗 老子的人生毁了 Do you have any clue? My fucking life just ended!
没事的 她只要回家 Come on. She'll go home,
看看《BJ单身日记》之类的烂片 she'll watch Bridget jones-something-asshole.
然后抹几滴眼泪就好了 She'll have a good cry, she'll be fine.
明天找她谈谈就好了 You'll talk to her tomorrow.
-咱们上楼吧 -你有听我说话吗 - Come on upstairs. - Are you even listening to me?
你有在乎过吗 Do you give any shred of a shit?
我当然在乎 强尼 Of course I do, Johnny.
雷霆兄弟相伴一生 还记得吗 "Thunder buddies for life", Remember?
老天啊 劳里说的对 Jesus! You know, Lori was right.
我很久之前就不该再和你来往了 I should have stopped hanging out with you a long time ago.
我就不该和你瞎混在一起 I'm never going to have a life with you around.
都35岁了还碌碌无为 I'm 35 years old and I'm going nowhere.
每天除了抽大麻 All I do is smoke pot
就是和一只该死的泰迪熊看电影 and watch movies with a teddy-fucking-bear.
因为你 我失去了我一生的挚爱 Because of that, I just lost the love of my life.
强尼 我 很抱歉 Johnny, I'm... I'm sorry.
我得一个人待着 不想再见到你 I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can't see you anymore.
约翰 等等 听我说 John, wait. Listen.
我爱你 l love you
到处都在传言你近来恢复单身了 So, word through the grapevine is that you're newly solo.
雷克斯 我还有很多工作要忙 Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get to.
我有两张诺拉·琼斯 I have tickets to Norah Jones
今晚在舱穹演唱会的票 at the Hatch Shell tonight,
如果你能和我一起去我会很高兴的 and I would love it if you would go with me.
我才和别人分手一周你就要约我出去 You're asking me out a week after I broke up with somebody?
那我就敞开天窗说亮话 Look, I'm going to cut the shit, here.
说吧 Please.
这是自你在这工作 This is the first time that you've been single
这么多年以来第一次单身 in all the years you've worked here.
就和我约一次会 Just go out with me one time.
如果你真的感到不自在 And if you're miserable and you hate it,
我保证以后再也不提及这方面的话题 then I promise I will never even hint at the subject again.
拜托 Please.
雷克斯 这不是个好主意 Rex, I don't think it's smart.
我是个混球 我知道 I'm an asshole, I know that.
自高中以来就是 It worked for me in high school,
而且从那以后世人皆知 and it's been a reflex ever since.
劳里 退一万步讲 Lori, the worst that can happen,
不过是和一个想证明自己不仅仅只是个混蛋的家伙 is that you go on a fun, casual date with a guy,
进行一次有趣而随性的约会而已 who just wants a chance to prove that he can be something more than a jerk.
更何况 你是如此美好 Plus, you are a huge catch.
是时候找个人好好珍惜你了 And it's about time someone treated you that way.
无所谓了 好吧 Fuck it. Fine.
好吧 总比每晚含泪入眠好 Fine. It sure as hell beats crying myself to sleep every night.
而且如果这样能摆脱你的话 And if that means getting you off my back,
就当是个额外奖励吧 well, that's just a bonus.
我八点去接你 I'll pick you up at 8:00.
强尼 是我 Johnny. It's me.
滚开 Go away.
强尼 快开门 我有话说 Johnny, open the door, please, I want to talk.
老天 你到底想干什么 Jesus Christ! What the fuck, man?
抱歉 强尼 我知道你很窝火 Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know you're pissed, all right?
但一定要听我说完 But just listen to me for five seconds.
我刚看见雷克斯去公寓把劳里接走了 I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.
什么 What?
真的 约翰 我本想去找她谈谈 I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her,
这样或许她能对你少生些气 and may be take some of the heat off you.
然后他到了 把她接走了 And there he was, picking her up.
他们应该是要去舱穹 They were going to the Hatch Shell.
你他妈简直是不可理喻 You're fucking unbelievable, you know that?
我看起来很傻吗 I mean how stupid do you think I am?
你以为编造这样的屁话 If you think that by making shit like that,
我就会迁怒于她然后和你和好如初的话 up you're going to make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her,
那你就大错特错了 you're out of your fucking mind.
强尼 我说的是真话 Johnny, it's the truth, I'm telling you.
能滚多远滚多远 You know what? Get out of here.
知道吗 你就是个缩头乌龟 You know what? You're acting like a cock. You know that?
什么 我是缩头乌龟 What? I'm acting like a cock?
你就是 Yes, you are.
闭上你的肉嘴听我说两句 So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me.
肉嘴 好像不大对 不对 Meat hole? That's not right, is it? No.
布丁嘴 是这么说吗 "Pudding hole"? Is that what they say?
好像也不对 No, it can't be that either.
因为碗里的肉不吃掉 Because, "How can you have any pudding"
（Pink Floyd - Another Brick in the Wall）
布丁哪里来 "if you don't eat your meat?"
对不对 平克·弗洛伊德的歌 Right? Pink Floyd.
重点是 自己做的孽 Look, the point is, you're blaming me
你却把责任推到我身上 for something that you did to yourself.
劳里说的很对 Lori was right about you.
你对你生命中的任何事 You can not take responsibility,
都负不起责任 for anything that goes on in your life.
那你就能负的起吗 Oh, and you can?
我不需要负责任 我他妈不过是只泰迪熊 I don't have to. I'm a fucking teddy bear.
我并没有把你五花大绑拽到那个派对上 You know something? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party.
我希望你能来 只因为你是我最好的朋友 I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend.
别不承认 You can't stand there and tell me
你总是把劳里视为咱俩友谊的眼中钉 that you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship.
现在这样不正合你意 It works out so much better for you,
你和我又能回到每天早上 when you and I are getting fucked up
躺在沙发上瞎混的日子了 on the couch at 9:00 A.M, doesn't it?
听听你说的话 Listen to yourself.
我是谁啊 帝王明吗 能控制你的思想吗 What am I? Emperor Ming, here, controlling your mind?
这都是你自己选择的 约翰 That's your choice, John.
把责任都推给我 And by blaming me, you,
让我觉得你就是个娘们 you're just making yourself look like a pussy.
有时候回想我8岁那年 Sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning
圣诞节的那天早上 when I was eight years old.
我真后悔要了那只泰迪熊 I wish I had just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.
有种你再说一次 Say that one more time.
你这只狗娘养的泰迪熊 Teddy Rux-fucking-pin!
别他妈打了 Fucking stop! Fuck!
你哭什么 Why are you crying?
我老二被电视砸了 My dick is squished by the TV.
我很抱歉 强尼 I'm so sorry, Johnny.
我也是 So am I, man.
我爱你 I love you.
我也爱你 I love you, too.
我得帮你和劳里破镜重圆 You got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori.
圆不成了 她现在恨死我了 There's no putting things right. She fucking hates me.
不 约翰 我们得把她夺回来 No, John. We can get her back.
听着 Look,
还记得你10岁那年吗 you remember when you were ten,
你拿气枪打中了那只松鼠 and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun?
我们俩看到它从树上掉下来 And then when we saw it fall from the tree,
我们都哭了 还记得吗 we both started crying, you remember?
我们跑过去 And then we ran up to it,
给它做心肺复苏 它活过来了 and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life.
约翰 这次我们也能成功 John, we could do that again.
泰迪 Ted,
我们给它做心肺复苏的时候 we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs
扯开了它的胸腔 还把肺打爆了 trying to give it CPR.
它被弄死了 It died.
不管怎么说我们得去舱穹 Come on. We're going to the Hatch Shell.
♪ 我被雨水唤醒 ♪ ♪ And I want to wake up with the rain ♪
♪ 被雨水滴落在屋顶上的声音唤醒 ♪ ♪ Falling on a tin roof ♪
♪ 你的臂膀是我的避风港 ♪ ♪ While I'm safe there in your arms ♪
♪ 而我想问的是 ♪ ♪ So all I ask is for you ♪
♪ 今晚你愿意和我一起远走高飞吗 ♪ ♪ To come away with me in the night ♪
♪ 跟我一起远走高飞吧 ♪ ♪ Come away with me ♪
多谢 我们休息一会 Thanks. We're going to take a short break,
马上回来 but we'll be back in a few.
唱得真不错 爵士小妞 Play Chopsticks, you jazzy slut.
泰迪 Teddy!
你好吗 How are you?
你好吗 毛茸茸的小混蛋 How are you doing, you fuzzy little ass hole?
比不上一个卖了3千7百万张专辑的半穆斯林小妞 Well, I'm not a hot, half-Muslim chick who sold 37 million records,
不过也还凑合吧 but I'm hanging in there.
我是一半印度血统 不过多谢夸奖 Half-Indian, but thanks.
好吧无所谓 多亏了911 Yeah, whatever. Thanks for 9/11.
给你介绍我的好哥们 Listen, I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right?
这是约翰·班尼特 这是诺拉·琼斯 John Bennett, Norah Jones.
你好 诺拉·琼斯 Hi, Norah jones.
你好 你手上好多汗啊 Hey, there, sweaty.
准备好上台接受掌声了吗 You ready to bring down the house?
是的 多谢你给我机会 琼斯 Yes, ma'am. Thank you for the opportunity, Miss...
琼斯女士 谢谢 Ma'am Jones. Thank you.
天啊 你这么打扮可真漂亮 Jesus, you look fantastic.
你之前见到我都是没穿衣服的时候吧 Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.
我和诺拉是2002年在一次慈善活动中相识的 me and nora met back in 2002 at this event for this charity
我们都有参与 that we were both involved with this.
那次很有意义 资助对象是受家人性侵的孩子 Wonderful charity, actually, for kids who'd been fucked by a family member.
然后 我们在试衣间里勾搭上了 And we... We ended up hooking up in the back room.
对于没有老二的人来说你技术算不错了 Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.
是啊 为此我给孩之宝公司 You know, I have written
（美国玩具品牌）
写了好几封抱怨信了 so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.
多谢 Thank you.
我得休息一会儿 Now, I'm going to give my chops a rest,
在这间隙有请我的一位朋友上台 and bring a friend up to the stage.
他要为在场的一位特别的 He's going to sing a song to a special lady, in the audience,
他深爱的女士唱一首歌 who he loves very much.
掌声有请约翰·班尼特 Please give a big hand to john Bennett.
我的天 Oh, my God.
我勒个去 Holy shit!
我得找机会和她再来一炮 gotta fuck her again.
我叫约翰·班尼特 Hi, my name is John Bennett,
这首歌献给劳里·柯林斯 and this is for Lori Collins.
因为我爱你 Because I love you.
这首歌让我想起了 This song always reminds
我一生最重要的那个夜晚 me of the most important night of my life.
我们相遇的那晚 The night we met.
我要唱电影《八爪女》的主题曲 This is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.
我想投入甜蜜的梦乡 All l wanted was a sweet distraction
一个小时或更加漫长 For an hour or two
无心为之令吾梦翱翔 Had no intention to do...
再烂也比凯蒂·佩里唱得好 Still better than Katy Perry.
（美国女歌手）
爱情的奇妙化学反应 Funny how it always goes with love
无心插柳而柳却成荫 When you don't look, you find
两情相悦 But then we're two of a kind
比翼齐飞 We move as one
共聚一处便是天堂 We're an all time high
太难听了 滚下去吧 You suck, get off the stage!
别这样 给他个机会 Come on. Give him a chance.
共度良宵 Doing so much more
混蛋 You're an asshole!
我的天 Oh, Jesus!
叫救护车 Someone call an ambulance!
太疯狂了 That was insane.
你看到那家伙摔在地上的时候了吗 Did you see the way the guy's body hit the ground?
就像个布娃娃似的 He was like a ragdoll.
我现在不想聊这事 Yeah, I'd rather just not talk about it.
想去喝一杯吗 Do you want to go get a drink after this?
差点出人命 喝杯酒镇定一下 I feel like I could use one after seeing a guy almost die.
不 你还是送我回家吧 No, I think I'd rather just have you take me home.
就一杯 走吧 One drink. Come on.
不 我现在没心情 No, not really feeling up to it.
好吧 我懂 All right, I get it.
这也不怪你 And, you know, I don't blame you.
仔细想想 I mean, when you think about it,
他故意让你难堪 对你实在很不公平 it was actually really unfair of him to embarrass you like that.
你搞清楚 我并没有觉得难堪 Just to be clear, I'm not embarrassed.
我和约翰之间确实有问题 Listen, John and I may have our problems,
但至少他在设法去弥补 but at least he tried.
我不想再和你聊下去了 You know what? I don't feel like talking to you about this.
你去哪 Where are you going?
打车回家 Taking a cab. I'm going home.
终于能放了 Finally.
往下看 Down here.
我发誓没往浴巾里面看 Not looking up your towel. Swear to God.
真的没看 什么都没看到 Not looking up your towel. Not looking at your funny business.
泰迪 你来这干嘛 Ted, what are you doing here?
我想和你谈谈 I need to talk to you.
如果你是来为约翰说好话的 Listen, if you're here to fight john's battles for him...
你先听我说好吗 Look, just let me talk first, all right?
我说完后随便你怎么说 And then you can say whatever you want.
约翰真的很爱你 Look, John loves you very much,
他爱你胜过一切 more than anything in the world,
你走了以后他心都碎了 and he's falling to fucking pieces without you.
他知道是他搞砸了一切 He know s he screwed up huge
不过相信我 那不全是他的错 but you've got to believe me, it wasn't all his fault.
那晚在雷克斯家是我让他丢下你 I told him to bail on you that night at Rex's
他拒绝了 他说要和你待在一起 and he said "No." He said "No, He was going to stay there with you."
是我硬拽他过来的 And I twisted his arm, Lori.
所以求你了 再给他一次机会 So, if you just give him one more chance,
我发誓我会离开 永远不再回来 I promise I will leave and I'll never come back.
他将完完全全属于你 All right? He'll be all yours.
泰迪 条件很诱人 Ted, that's a really nice offer,
但我不想让你这么做 but I don't want you to do that.
这是我和约翰之间的事 This is between John and me,
而且我不觉得还有挽回的余地 and I don't think it can be fixed.
那全是因为我 Yeah, because of me!
劳里 你想让他变成一个男人 Look, Lori, you want him to be a man.
但只要他放不下他的泰迪熊 But as long as he's got his teddy bear,
他永远都是个小男孩 he's always going to be a boy.
他现在在查理斯酒吧等你 He's waiting down at Charlie's right now.
如果你现在过去和他谈谈 So, if you go down there and just talk to him.
你回来前我就会离开 I'll be gone when you get back.
永远离开 Forever.
你会发现 And, you'll see,
他再也不会怕打雷了 he'll never be scared of thunder again.
"米狮龙浓缩托斯卡纳甜橙葡萄柚" "Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit."
（百威旗下啤酒品牌）
美国人都他妈疯了 My God, America is imploding.
你好啊 泰迪 Hi, Ted.
我靠 Fuck.
劳里 Lori, what...
你来这儿干什么 What are you doing here?
你得谢谢泰迪 You can thank Ted.
我能坐会儿吗 Should I sit?
当然 请坐吧 Yeah, if you want.
工作怎么样 一切都顺利吗 So, work's good? Everything good, there?
是啊 工作还不错 Yeah. Yeah, work's good.
我想我们可以这样闲聊一整天 I guess we can't make small talk all day, huh?
如果你不介意 那我就对你说说心里话 If it's okay with you, I just want to say what I want to say.
其实我可以坐在这里向你道歉 I could sit here and tell you I'm sorry,
那是个误会 it was a huge misunderstanding,
我愿意为你改变一切 and I'm ready to change,
但我觉得你不想听这些废话 but I don't think you want to hear any of that crap.
所以我也不想再劝你回到我身边了 I'm not going to try to get you to take me back.
我凭什么让你回来 Why would you?
我一直不是个称职的男友 I've been a really shitty boyfriend for the last four years.
我配不上你 I don't deserve you.
我知道我一直没有认真对待我们的恋爱 I know I didn't take our relationship seriously but, Lori,
但是我真的爱你胜过一切 I do love you more than life itself.
我就是想 好聚好散 All I want is... I just want to end on good terms.
算是我欠你的 I owe that to you.
我想让你幸福 你也应该得到幸福 I want you to be happy. You deserve that.
我只是希望 我们还能做朋友 And I just hope that maybe we can still be friends.
谢谢你的坦诚 Thank you for being so honest.
我说完了 That's pretty much it.
谢谢你能来 Thanks for coming by.
看出来了吧 Yeah, as you can see
你早就是我们家的一员了 you've been a part of our family for quite some time.
欢迎回家 Welcome home.
说来挺有意思 Yeah, it's kind of funny, actually.
我家也有好多你们的照片 I got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house.
他现在是我的了吗 爸爸 Is he all mine, Daddy?
是的 我的小宝贝 他属于你了 Yes, he is, my little winner. Yes, he is.
泰迪 你来的正是时候 Ted, you've arrived at a lucky time.
快到劳勃的游戏时间了 It's almost Robert's play hour.
我想你们家没有PS3吧 Yeah, I'm guessing you guys don't have a PS3.
估计你们还在玩 I'm guessing you're more
带着假毛的木马什么的 of a "Wooden horse with a wig" Kind of family.
是啊 Yeah.
不 是的 不 No. Yeah. No.
是啊 Yeah.
看吧 有个木马 Yeah, see, there's the guy.
泰迪 现在你属于劳勃了 听他的好吗 Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now, okay? You do as he says.
你就对这种绑架置之不理吗 You think you're just going to get away with a kidnapping?
你是怎么给你孩子做榜样的 That's a nice fucking example you're setting...
抱歉 对不起 Sorry. Sorry.
泰迪你知道吗 当我还是个孩子 You know, Ted, when I was a little boy,
我在电视上看见你 I saw you on television.
我觉得你是我这辈子 And I thought you were the most amazing,
见过的最完美的东西 most wonderful thing I'd ever seen. Ever.
我问我老爸 And I asked my dad,
能不能也给我一只会说话的泰迪熊 if I could have a magical little teddy bear, too.
他说不行 And he said, "No."
剩下的故事你发邮件给我好吗 Can you just email me the rest of this story?
我心都碎了 And I was so heartbroken.
我发誓如果有一天我有了儿子 And I promised myself that if I ever had a son,
我永远不会对他说不 I would never, ever, ever say no to him.
永远都不会 Ever.
也许不让他多吃士力架没什么坏处 May be "No" To a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt.
爸爸 我和泰迪会成为好朋友吗 Me and Ted are going to be best friends, Daddy.
你们会的 我的小宝贝 Yes, you are, my little chipmunk.
好好玩 Happy playtime.
卧了个大槽 Jesus fucking Christ!
我有一次就这么说话 I said a bad word one time.
爸爸为此惩罚了我 Daddy punished me for it.
这故事不错 我好像身临其境 That's a great story. I felt like I was there.
老爸教训了我 Daddy gave me an ouch.
现在换我教训你了 Now, I have to give you an ouch.
好吧 你赢了 我听你的 All right, kid, you win. We'll do it your way.
你想怎样 想玩游戏吗 What do you want to do? You want to play a game?
游戏时间就得用来玩游戏 It's playtime, right? We'll play a game.
好吧 我们来玩游戏 Yeah, I want to play a game.
好吧 那我们 Good, good. Let's see. How about we...
我们捉迷藏怎么样 How about we play a little game of hide and seek?
我超爱捉迷藏 我来藏 I love hide and see k. I'll hide.
等等 Now, hang on a sec, there.
你老爸教你要懂礼貌 对吧 小肥猪 Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?
好吧 你先藏 Okay. You hide first.
很好 棒极了 Great. Fantastic.
数到100 然后来找我 好吗 Okay, now you count to 1oo, and then you try to find me, okay?
玩这个之前要洗手吗 Do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?
不用 这算哪门子问题 直接数吧 No. That's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting.
1 2 One, two,
3 4 5 three, four, five,
不许偷看 耍赖是小狗 No peeking, now, or you'll get kid cancer.
8 9 10 Eight, nine, ten,
11 12 13 eleven, twelve, thirteen...
自己走路回家 You walking home alone, huh?
是啊 Yeah.
要载你一程吗 Do you need a lift?
不用了 Oh, I'm okay.
如果我被强奸了 那也怪我自己这身打扮 If I get raped, it'll be my fault for what I'm wearing.
听着 约翰 Listen, John.
我也有话要对你说 There's something that I need to say to you, too.
约翰 我想说 John, I hope that...
我不想让你觉得 Listen, I don't want you to think that...
抱歉 Sorry.
我觉得我们该继续聊聊 也许 I want us to keep talking because I think that may be...
不管你是谁 现在不是时候 Whoever this is, it's not a good time.
约翰 是我 听得见吗 John, it's me. Can you hear me?
泰迪 我待会打给你 Ted? Listen, I got to call you back.
不 约翰 别挂 我有麻烦了 No, John, don't hang up! I'm in trouble.
什么意思 什么麻烦 What do you mean? What kind of trouble?
他们抓住我了 就是公园里那个变态 They got me. That freaky guy from the park,
和那个孩子 我觉得像是他儿子 and that kid who I think is his son,
也没准是他情人 but may also be his lover, I don't know.
等等 说慢点 你在哪 Whoa, whoa, slow down. Where are you?
我也不清楚 I'm not sure, it's...
喂 喂 约翰 Hello? Hello, John?
喂 Hello?
你可不是一个礼貌的客人 是吧 You're not a very polite guest, are you?
我擦 Shit!
泰迪 听得见吗 Ted, hello? Ted?
怎么了 他没事吧 What's the matter? Is he okay?
-不知道 -他在哪儿 - I don't know. - Where is he?
不知道 他只说他有麻烦了 I don't know. He just said he was in trouble.
再给他打过去 Can you call him back?
打不通了 No, it's blocked.
等等 Wait a second.
从哥伦布街开到赫勒尔德街 上高速 Go. Take Columbus to Herald and get on the expressway.
你让我们陷入了尴尬的境地 You put us in quite a pickle here.
我们得走了 We have to go now.
好主意 Yeah. Good idea.
你这个混蛋 You F-ing A-hole.
我们试了太多的泰迪熊 We tried to make do with other teddy bears,
但他们都不是你 but none of them were you, Ted.
911吗 Hello, 911?
我要报警 I need the police right away.
有人把我的泰迪熊抢走了 This guy took my teddy bear.
喂 Hello?
放我出去 你这个混蛋 Let me out of here, you crazy bastard!
我能听见那个肥仔跑过来了 I hear the fat kid running. I hear the fat kid running.
肯定很搞笑 放我出去 I bet it's hilarious. Let me out of here!
我是美利坚合众国公民 I am a citizen of the United States of America
我享有公民权利 and I have rights!
劳勃 系好安全带 Robert, seat belt.
应该就在这附近 It should be right-here, somewhere.
强尼 Johnny!
停下 就是他们 掉头 Whoa, whoa! Stop, stop! That's them, turn around!
跟紧他们 Stay with them.
坐稳 Hang on!
给我坐好 苏珊大妈 Back off, Susan Boyle!
（苏珊·波伊尔 英国达人秀上一曲成名的女歌手）
-天啊 他要跳车 -靠近点 - Oh, my God! He's going to jump! - Get closer.
-放松 -加油 泰迪 - All right, easy. - Come on, Ted.
- 好样的 -太棒了 - Shit! - Yes!
强尼 真他妈刺激 Hey, Johnny! Total T. J. Hooker, right?
太刺激了 Yes! Fucking-A right!
快 快 快 Go! Go! Go!
老爸 Daddy!
让我看看你认不认路 Let's see how well you know these streets
跑哪去了 Where is he?
天啊 Jesus!
他在那 停车 There he is. Pull over.
在哪 Where?
不许抢我的泰迪熊 You can't have my teddy bear!
我了个擦 Holy shit!
抱歉 但总得有人教训一下这熊孩子 Sorry. Somebody had to go joan Crawford on that kid.
快走 Come on.
泰迪 Ted?
我的天 Oh, my God!
我擦 Shit!
天呐 Jesus.
你待在这儿 -不要 约翰 - Stay here. Just stay there! - No, John!
你是我的 泰迪 You're mine, Ted!
别扯淡了 我是约翰·班尼特的 Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett.
但我能给你爱 还有摇摇马 But I can give you love, and rocking horses,
陪你跳舞 and dancing.
我对这些没兴趣 I think we're very far apart on this.
-泰迪 -强尼 - Ted! - Johnny!
我的天啊 Oh, my God!
泰迪 Ted!
约翰 John.
劳里 把棉花都捡起来 Lori, get the stuffing. Get it all.
强尼 Johnny.
你会没事的 伙计 明白吗 You're going to be okay, buddy. Do you understand?
你不会有事的 You're going to be fine.
我看起来像外星来的机器人似的 Jesus, I look like the robot from Aliens.
看着我 伙计 No, look at me, buddy.
我发誓 你不会有事的 I promise, you're going to be okay.
我不觉得 我要 I don't think so. I'm...
我要挂了 I'm in trouble.
我想 I need...
我想跟你说一件事 I need to tell you something.
什么事 What is it?
别再让她离开你了 Don't ever lose her again.
她是你最重要的 She's the most important...
生命中最重要的人 the most important part of your life.
比我还要重要 Even more than me.
现在她是你的雷霆兄弟了 She's your thunder buddy now.
她是 She's...
找到了 I got it.
亲爱的 我不知道这管不管用 Baby, I don't know if this is going to work.
求你了 至少试试 Please, just try.
挺住啊 伙计 Come on, buddy.
抱歉 I'm so sorry.
你尽力了 You did everything you could.
我很抱歉 I'm so sorry.
泰迪 Ted!
我满血复活了 强尼 I'm alive, Johnny!
我的天呐 Oh, my God!
我又活了 你许的愿有效果了 I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!
你回来了 You're back!
是啊 但是你把我缝起来的时候 Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up,
棉花放错位置了 you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places,
我现在成面瘫了 so I'm a little fucked up.
你会永远照顾我吗 But will you take care of me forever and ever?
逗你玩呢 我想我装面瘫智障 I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny
肯定能把你吓尿 if you thought I was fucking retarded.
你这个混蛋 You asshole!
抱一下吧 混蛋 Come here, you bastard.
泰迪 欢迎回来 Welcome back, Ted.
是你 It was you.
是你许的愿 You did it.
该死的 Son of a bitch!
你许的愿让我复活 You wished for my life back.
不 No. No.
我许的是找回我自己的生活 I wished for my life back.
我爱你 I love you.
我也爱你 I love you, too.
我想让你知道 昨晚的经历 And I want you to know that, after last night,
让我再也不想失去任何我爱的人了 I don't ever want to lose anyone who matters to me ever again.
我再也不想一直拖下去了 I'm not going to wait any longer for my life to start.
劳里 Lori,
嫁给我好吗 will you marry me?
非你不嫁 约翰·班尼特 All I ever wanted was you, John Bennett.
之后 约翰 劳里和泰迪过上了幸福的生活 And so John, Lori and Ted lived happily ever after.
最后他们终于发现 Having discovered at last,
他们彼此相互依靠 密不可分 that all they really needed was each other.
约翰和劳里在剑桥结婚了 John and Lori were married in Cambridge,
由一位特殊的正义牧师主持 by a very specia I justice of the Peace.
以我之能量 By the power vested in me,
以纽约喷气机队之名 by the New York Jets,
代表蒙戈星球全体人民 and by the united peoples of the planet Mongo,
我宣布你二人结为夫妇 I now pronounce you man and wife.
你可以吻你的新娘了 强尼 You may kiss the bride, Johnny.
"他就是汤姆·斯克里特" "Tom Skerritt."
"汤姆·斯克里特 哇哦" "Tom Skerritt! Wow!"
多谢你能来 Thanks so much for coming.
我女儿最好还活着 你这个混蛋 My daughter better be alive, you sick son of a bitch.
我还得假装很高兴 I am so fake-happy for her.
萨姆 结束完美的一天的方法只有一种 You know, Sam, there's only one way to end a perfect day.
是什么 What's that?
飞侠跳 Flash jump.
没错 Right.
1 2 3 One, two, three!
这就是一个有魔力的愿望 And that's the story of how one magical wish
改变三个好朋友的命运的故事 forever changed the lives of three very special friends.
泰迪和甜美琳 Ted and Tami-Lynn continued
的热恋持续了好一阵 their torrid love affair for quite some time.
一天下午 泰迪在熟食柜台后狂吃 One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the deli counter
甜美琳屁股上的土豆沙拉 当场被抓 eating potato salad off of Tami-Lynn's bare bottom.
他立即被老板升职 当上了超市经理 He was instantly promoted to store manager.
萨姆·琼斯重回好莱坞 Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood
再次投身电影业 with the goal of restarting his film career.
他现在住在伯班克 He currently resides in Burbank
一间小公寓里 where he shares a studio apartment
和布兰登·鲁斯做室友 with his roommate, Brandon Routh.
还记得那部烂片《超人》 Remember Brandon Routh from
里的布兰登·鲁斯吗 that God-awful Superman movie?
我滴个老天爷 Jesus Christ!
多谢你吊足我们胃口然后拍出一部垃圾片 Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us.
雷克斯被迫放弃了对劳里的追求 Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori.
不久陷入重度抑郁之中 Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression,
最终死于葛雷克氏症 and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.
唐尼被波士顿警方逮捕 Donny was arrested by Boston police
罪名是绑架毛绒玩具 and charged with kidnapping a plush toy.
这个罪名听起来太过荒唐 The charges were dropped when everyone realized
迫使警方最终撤诉 how completely stupid that sounded.
劳勃请了健身教练 卸掉了一身肥肉 Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight
最终成为了 and went on to become
泰勒·洛特纳 Taylor Lautner.